Don't Forget the Sun
by xClarityx
Summary: The damage has been done & she continues to go down a destructive road. Miki Sato transferred out of a school she called Hell & into Karakura looking for a better ending to her final year of High School. The road ahead is difficult, during her journey she meets Ichigo & his friends who have all had their battles. Warning: Self-Harm, Abuse, & Eating Disorder. Alternate Universe
1. I: Out of the War & Into the Calm

Don't Forget the Sun

_Chapter One: Out of the war & into the calm_

_ October 10__th__ 2011: How much worse can this get? This school is horrible and today is the last day of this horrible experience called high school at this shitty school. I'm finally transferring out after 3 years and four weeks. It only took me almost taking my life for them to realize the rotten kids in this school are horrible, yet they do not get punished for pushing me this close to the edge. I honestly do not know how I put up with this crap for so long. You would think high school is the time when teens would figure themselves out and grow up because college is right around the corner. But no, obviously it takes more time for others to realize high school can make or break your future. _

_ October 11__th__ 2011: Ishimaru High School is now the past. My mother finally took time out of her busy schedule to help me leave this wretched school and put me in a new school. With my somewhat decent grades of average B's and high B's I was able to get into a school I wanted to go to as a senior in middle school but got denied because they had no more seats left. Karakura High, a school where everything seems magically better for those who go there. My best friend took the final seat when we applied to high schools. Of course I was upset but in the end I was happy and now we are going to be back together once again. We have kept in contact and she is excited to for me to be there. Everything has been set and I can start school next week. _

Dressed and ready to go. I felt my arm radiating this heat, I sighed with shame and looked at my whole arm fresh cuts. I was disappointed in myself that it really became a habit an addiction and I know I needed help. I got help and I just stopped going. Without my parents breathing down my neck I made the choice to just stop going all together. Bad choice I know but I just did not feel comfortable and I knew things would need to get worse before they got better. I wrapped the bandages around both my arms and put on my black cardigan.

"COME ON! We are going to be late." I heard my sister yell.

My sister was a year younger than me a junior in Karakura and has better grades than I do at this point. She hasn't let anything affect her. Our parent divorcing or my mother going on frequent business trips our dad in the next town over working nearly 24 hours and actually living over there. We were alone, living on money our mother and father send over to us whenever they can. It's not like we were abandoned but I quickly became the next best thing next to my mother. It was hard at first but she got use to it. I guess she focused all her anger and problems into her schoolwork.

I closed my door behind me and went downstairs to the kitchen and looked at my sister who looked happy when she saw me in the same uniform as her. She stood up and walked towards me she looked into the mirror that was in the main hallway over a desk where our keys were just sitting. She fixed her long dark brown hair that went down to butt.

I smiled at her remembering how we always had to tell people we weren't twins. We had the same dark brown hair that almost looked black, green eyes, a somewhat pale complexion, and rosy lips. We didn't have the same body type, she was thinner than I was just like our older sister skinny and had the ideal body. I had our mother's body type, big boned. I had curvy in the somewhat right places but was overweight by like 30 pounds. Thanks to my other school I hate my body and did whatever I could to be the ideal weight to get them to stop and that did not end to well either. It was a struggle and still happens to be a struggle getting on track of actually eating normally and not one to two meals a day.

"Ready?" I asked impatiently

"Yup." She answered.

We walked in silence for a bit but eventually Mio started to talk about how she was excited to have me there.

"I've told my friends all about you. I'm really happy you are going to be here with me. It'll be a great way to spend time together before you go to college." She said happily.

"Right, I'm excited." I said swallowing hard.

"Look everything is going to be okay. That shitty school is in the past. All that bullshit is in the past. Believe me." She reassured me.

I nodded, I believed her. I truly did. I was just nervous to start a new school with my arms scarred up to ying-yang.

_The past is far behind but you cannot forget the damage that has been done. It can be worked at until you are okay with it but you cannot forget it. It will always hurt but it is up to you when it comes to getting over the problem._

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	2. II: If I applied more Pressure…

_Warning: This story has to do a lot with Self injury (cutting), Eating Disorders, and Abuse. _

* * *

_Chapter Two: If I applied more Pressure…_

I was fortunate enough to have my little sister show me where all my classes were, I didn't care if it looked strange. In fact I think she liked showing me off to her friends, all of them said it was so cool for me to be here to finally meet me. It was as if Mio spoke highly about me to all her friends. Strange, I expected the exact opposite. I got to my first class which is Language Arts one of my best subjects aside from Math and Physics. I left my baby sister and introduced myself to the smiley welcoming female teacher.

"Welcome Miki, it is a pleasure to have you in class. We just did a paper and people are going to talk about their papers. You are more then welcome to volunteer if you want." She said with a wide smile.

"Oh. What was the focus of the paper?" I asked shyly.

"We spoke vaguely about what society does to its younger generation. Such as magazine promoting skinny women which in turn forces many to take on eating disorders. Also bullying which can lead to suicide and even more problems." She told me.

"I'll think it over. I'll raise my hand if anything." I smiled.

"No need to raise your hand. Just wait until a presentation is over and walk right up." She explained.

I nodded and took a seat somewhere in the back. The class filled up one by one. Class started and I listened to everyone's papers. I was building up the courage to get up and talk about the topic. I did not write a paper but I experienced a lot of those problems. I had a lot on my mind and I wasn't sure if it was going to come up in a actual fluent sentence or come out like the means girls said "word vomit." This girl with long auburn hair and grey eyes finished her paper. Like most of the students before her she spoke about her dealings of bullying in the past and overcoming it. I got up at the same exact time as a guy with bright orange hair and dark brown eyes, we stopped in our tracks.

"You can go." I said shyly.

"You can go, I'll go next." He insisted.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah." He nodded, he sat back down as I walked to the front of the class.

"This is our very own new girl, Miki." The teacher introduced me.

"Hi everyone, I'm Miki Sato. I did not write a paper but I can speak from experience. Please do forgive me if I stray off topic." I smiled and people smiled back. "Society pressures many young women to become skinnier because they think it is beautiful. On the cover of magazines you see models sizes ranging from a double zero to maybe a one. Young girls tend to take this heart and think this is what they should look like. So they go to extreme lengths to get those results. Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, and bingeing are all dangerous. But it's not only the magazines but the teens that also reinforce those looks on other teens. Bullying them telling them they are fat and need to go lose weight or even go kill themselves; all strong words that teens take to heart. Each year so many teens take their own lives because they can no longer live with the fact they are being bullied. Many others self harm, such as cutting, burning, anything that can numb the pain they feel on a daily basis." My voice started to feel as if it was going to crack. "It all needs to stop." I had to finish with before I actually cried.

Clapping started slowly and eventually took over the rest of the classroom. I smiled and wiped my eyes dry. It was an emotional for me but I needed to take this opportunity to talk about the problem of young high school teens. The guy with the bright orange hair stood up once again and took the front of the room he smiled at me as I went to take a seat.

He spoke about something different but something similar he spoke about his experiences with bullying because of how he looked. He spoke about taking on the responsibilities of being a somewhat second parent to his two younger siblings. How he had to mature faster so that he could help around the house because his mother was no longer alive. The problem of not living a regular teenage life can lead to feeling as one cannot and should not show emotion because they feel weak. There was a bit of pain behind his voice and I felt bad.

"Thank you Ichigo that a very strong paper. Everyone leave your papers in the purple mailbox near the exit and have a wonderful rest of the day." She dismissed everyone. I packed up my notebook and looked up to the girl who has auburn hair and grey eyes.

"Hi Miki, I'm Orihime, nice to meet you." She said to me with a big wide smile.

"Nice to meet you." I returned the smile.

"Would you like to eat lunch together?" She asked me.

"Um, sure." I shrugged.

"Great what do you have before lunch?" She asked me.

"Um, Physics Engineering." I answered as I put my bag on my shoulder.

"Ah, okay. I'll meet you outside of the lab than. I believe Ichigo has that same class as well." She said as she put her pointer finger on her chin, thinking. "Ichigo do you have Physics before lunch?"

"Engineering? If so then yes I do. Why?" he asked as he walked over to us.

"Lovely. This is Miki you guys have the same class." Orihime said as she introduced us.

"Hi." I said shyly.

"Hey, I'm Ichigo. Nice speech." He said.

"Thank you, same to you." I replied.

"Was that all off the top of your head?" He asked.

"Yes. I wasn't really going to participate." I shrugged.

"But you did." He pressed.

"Yeah, it hit home pretty hard. But all the other papers did as well." I said as I looked down.

"What class do you have next?" he asked changing the subject.

"I believe I have math." I said as I thought about it.

"I guess I'll walk you to class." He said as he led the way.

"I can walk myself. No need to, you have a class too." I quickly retorted.

"I have the same class." Ichigo replied.

"Oh. Sorry." I quickly apologized.

"No need to apologize. You did not know." He shrugged it off.

We walked to class as if we have been friends since the year started. Ichigo was great; we spoke about our interest in math. We walked into class and greeted by a blonde female teacher who looked fresh out of college. She smiled and handed me a math textbook.

"Miki, right?" She asked me as she studied me.

"Yes." I answered as I looked around for a sit. "Where should I sit?"

"Hm. Sit next to the boy you think is the cutest." She said.

"You got that from Donnie Darko." I said with shock.

"Yup, I love that movie. Now choose." She laughed.

I noticed a seat next to Ichigo and a seat next to a guy with red hair. I decided to play it safe and sit next to Ichigo. The classroom of eyes followed me; I swallowed hard and just relaxed.

"I'm dying on the inside." I mumbled to myself as I quickly opened my new textbook.

Ichigo let out a low laugh I looked over and saw him open his textbook. I studied him and looked at his wrist he wore a sweatband on his left wrist under it I saw faded scars. He must have saw me looking and put it a bit further down. I looked away and kept my face in the textbook most of the period.

"Alright everyone, you could leave see you all tomorrow. Homework will be emailed out by the end of the day so check your school email." She yelled after us.

Ichigo walked me to the Science lab and sat down next to me. "You're gonna have to take off your sweater." He whispered.

"Why?" I questioned getting paranoid of my bandages.

"Lab rules no long sleeved clothing items. It could get stuck on equipment." He answered.

"That's a stupid rule!" I snapped.

"I know. But you have to do it." He replied.

"But-But." I stuttered.

"But what?" he asked.

I bit down on my bottom lip. I knew it was going to happen eventually too good to be true.

"I can't." I mumbled.

"Why not?" Ichigo questioned.

"I just can't." I pressed.

"Good morning!" The teacher cheered as he walked into the room.

"Morning." Some of the students said in a dreary depressing voice.

"OH! I could feel the excitement oozing out you all!" He said with a sarcastic voice.

I looked down keeping my hands in my lap messing with the rim of my gray skirt.

"Young lady sitting next to Mr. Kurosaki." I heard the professor call.

"Miki." Ichigo said tapping me.

I looked up and smiled at the elderly teacher.

"You are new. And do not tell me different because I would have remembered a beautiful face like that. What's your name?" he asked.

"Miki Sato, sir." I said nervously.

"Such a beautiful name, nice to meet you I'm Mr. Kato. Come up and grab a book. Also I'm gonna have to ask you to remove your black sweater dear." He said as pushed a textbook to the front of the desk.

I let out a sigh and walked up and got the book from the desk. I walked the long way back to my sit and felt everyone looking at me. I set down my book and took off my sweater; I bit my bottom lip and just looked down at my bandaged arm. I messed with the gauze tape and started to shake my leg.

"This is why." I whispered to Ichigo as I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack.

"I'm sorry." He said as he looked away and adjusted his sweatband.

I heard the whispers from my fellow classmates and it felt like how it was in Ishimaru High being labeled as a freak. I shook my head and kept my head in my textbook feeling like I could not breathe. What a stupid fucking rule! To remove all long sleeved attire!

The bell rang after about 45 minutes; I got up quickly put on my only safety precaution and left the lab in a hurry.

"Miki!" I heard Orihime call after me. I ignored her and went through the exit to the side of the building. I took a deep breath of fresh air and felt a little bit better. My breathing started to regulate.

"Miki?" I heard a male's voice ask.

I looked up and saw Ichigo. I sighed and looked away. "Yeah?" I replied.

"You alright?" he asked me as he came closer.

"I'm peachy keen." I answered biting down on my bottom lip.

"What happened back there?" He asked me as he leaned against the banister.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." I said hoping to drop the subject.

I felt his eyes on me I turned around and met his eyes for a quick second and then looked past him. "I'm fine." I replied again with a fake smile. I felt my arm a starting to burn a little bit. I looked down and saw blood in the palm of my hand.

"Is everything okay?" I heard Orihime ask.

"Everything is fine. Just met up with the guys we'll be right there." Ichigo told Orihime. "This isn't something you can take care of yourself." He said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked getting defensive.

"Do not play like that. You're bleeding. Look I know you did not want to take off your sweater and now I understand why. But this isn't something you can deal with by yourself." Ichigo pressed.

"What are you suggesting professional help?" I almost laughed. "Please. I'll be fine."

"I am suggesting you go to the nurse and get that rewrapped." Ichigo calmly stated.

"The school nurse? I'm fine." I replied paranoid that I would have to get an actual professional involved when they find out I self harm.

Ichigo studied me before coming to a realization. "Those aren't just regular injuries. Cutting?" I heard the word slip past his lips and I felt it strike me hard.

"No." I laughed. "Why would I do that?" I quickly grabbed my bag that I dropped and walked past Ichigo.

"That is some serious shit Miki." Ichigo protested.

"I do not know what you are talking about." I snapped.

"Where are you going?" Ichigo asked.

"Home!" I yelled.

"Miki hear me out!" Ichigo said. "This isn't something you cannot handle by yourself. I do not know what you're dealing with but if it's what I'm thinking you should go to a doctor."

I ignored him and left the campus. I made my way home and went straight up to my room.

"Miki?" I heard Mio call after me.

"What are you doing home?" I yelled.

"Eating and you?" She asked.

I unwrapped my arm and looked at the blood soaked gauze. I swallowed hard.

"Do you still have the address for the doctor around here?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?" Mio asked

"Can you leave it on the table for me?" I asked.

"Miki please answer me why." She begged.

"Don't worry." I said as I rewrapped my arm and left my room.

"Miki." She said softly.

"I'm fine." I grabbed my bag, the address and left the house.

I followed the directions and found myself standing in front of his office. I took a deep breath and went inside.

"Hello, how may I help you?" the young nurse at the front desk asked me.

"I think I need stitches…" I trailed off.

"May I ask what is wrong?" She asked as she approached me.

"I have a couple of deep cuts on my arm." I answered honestly.

"Alright. I'll get the doctor." Left me in the waiting area and then called me to the back. I followed her and went into a clean hospital like room. The doctor entered the room and smiled at me.

"Hello! I'm Dr. Isshin Kurosaki." He introduced himself and smiled.

Dr. Kurosaki was a tanned, 30 to 40 year old man, black hair with side small sideburns. I quickly made the connection that this was Ichigo's father.

"Hi." I said shyly.

"May I see your arm?" he asked as he put on large blue latex gloves.

I took off my sweater and held out my left arm. His gazed quickly looked to my right arm.

"Which arm is worse than the other?" He asked.

"My right arm." I answered.

"How did this happen?" He asked as he unwrapped my arm only to find the answer to his question.

"Self injury." He said softly.

"Yeah." I replied.

"You need stitches on a few of these deep cuts." He told me as he grabbed a needle from the drawer. "This is going to numb the area so I can do the stitches." He told me before he injected the needle into my arm. I quickly looked away, avoiding eye contact with that arm.

I swallowed hard and tried to speak. "Are you Ichigo's father?"

"Yes I am. My son told you to come to me?" he asked.

"Kinda." I swallowed hard. "I was too stubborn to actually go when I left for lunch. But when I got home and looked for myself I decided it was the only way to help myself."

"I'm glad you came and kinda listened to my son. You would have fainted eventually because of blood loss. Why do you cut?" He asked.

"I have problems at home and at school." I honestly answered.

"At Karakura?" He asked almost in shock.

"No, my old school. It was horrible, for three years I was suffering in that school. It wasn't until recently that I was able to transfer. In fact this is my first day at Karakura."

"So you started to self harm in your freshman year?" He asked.

"Yes. I was only able to transfer when I cut really badly at home and my mother took me to the hospital." I said as I took a glance at my arm and felt a bit dizzy.

"Did your mother not know the trouble you were in?" The doctor asked me.

"No. She's always on business trips and my father lives in the next town over always at work. They did not find out about this whole situation until last week." I answered with tears in my eyes.

"Is anyone home? To watch over you?" he asked me as he glanced up at me.

"No. I watch over myself and my little sister." I swallowed hard and tried to blink away tears.

"You know my son use to cut. I did not find out until my youngest daughter told me. She was in tears because she was afraid she was going to lose her older brother. She said she saw his wrist. I did not know how to handle it. In fact I was mad that he did not tell me. That he hid it from me. But I had to realize it wasn't only about me but my son's safety. I think he has stopped but I know he is aware of the outcome. I understand it is a way to cope with problems but your life is important to your little sister. She needs you." He told me with seriousness in his voice. It was just like my father.

"I know." Was all I could say to him I was choked up in tears.

He bandaged up my right arm and then unwrapped my left. He then put in another needle to numb the area and stitched up the ones on my left arm. Once both my arms were stitched and wrapped up I looked at him and smiled.

"Thank you." I said with tears in my eyes.

"I know I just met you but you are stronger than this. You can get through whatever hell you are going through right now. I know you can because you are strong I can sense it. I know you just met my son but if you need someone to talk to please call him or text him. Or whatever you teenagers do he can try to help. I also do not like the fact you girls are alone in that house. Would you mind if Ichigo stops by and checks on you whenever?" Isshin asked.

"Thank you, sir. I do not mind but I don't know if Ichigo will." I stated shyly.

"It's okay. I'll talk with him. If you are feeling up to it I think you can go back to school. However I recommend you eat first." He escorted me to the main entrance.

"Thank you again." I said with a smile.

"You're welcome. Here is my card; it has my home number and cell. If you ever need help please call me." His voice urgent yet sincere.

I nodded and made my way back home feeling dizzy. I needed to get a snack and then head back to class before I get into trouble. I made it home raided the kitchen for a snack bar and a juice box and went back to school.

_If I had put more pressure on my arm when this happened I probably would not be here. My sister would be all alone and my parents would not care one bit. They barely cared that I would come home crying most of the time or had bruises on my arms because they were barely home to take care of their number one priority._

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	3. III: Hidden Secrets

Don't Forget the Sun

_Chapter Three: Hidden Secrets _

I made it in time for the end of lunch to sit down and with Orihime and Ichigo who were having lunch with some other people I did not know. I made eye contact with Ichigo first and felt the immediate guilt coursing through my body. I swallowed hard and showed a soft smile.

"Miki you're back! Did you already have lunch?" She asked me.

"No not really. I made a quick trip to the doctor." I answered honestly.

"The doctor? Why?" She asked looking at me, her grey beautiful eyes showing concern.

"Just for some reassurance." I answered. I looked down and at the corner of my eyes I saw Ichigo looking at me.

"I hope you found the reassurance you wanted." Orihime perked up. She turned toward her group of friends. "Everyone this is Miki, she is my new friend. Well not just mine but ours."

I saw everyone look at me, the same guy with Red hair and tattoos, next to him was a girl with raven black hair, a red headed girl, and a few other girls.

"Nice to meet you I'm Renji Abarai." The red haired guy said with a smile and a wave.

"I'm Rukia. It is so great to meet you." The girl with a raven black hair said.

"Oh my! This is the girl you are talking about! She is so pretty!" The red hair girl said as she ran over to me and embraced me in a tight hug.

"Chizuru!" A girl said as she pried Chizuru off of me. "Sorry. She doesn't know how to control herself. I'm Tatsuki." She said as she shook my hand.

I smiled and felt welcomed amongst people I just met; people who were all happy to be here, and happy to have each other.

"Are you okay?" Ichigo asked as he stood up next to me.

"Yeah." I answered as I nodded.

"You went to a doctor?" He asked for a further explanation.

"Yeah, I went to your father's office." I said softly swallowing hard as I started to back away from the group.

"That bad?" He asked as he followed me.

"Stitches. About 9 of them." I said as I realized I was talking to him as if we have been friends for years because this was something I wouldn't normally put out there.

Ichigo took a deep breath and looked at me in the eyes and then looked away. I could see a struggle in his eyes as if he was debating on telling me something.

"I may not know what you are going through but I know that cutting is dangerous. I've had my battle with it. It's not an easy one and I'm aware of that but I do know it is a battle that could mean life or death." Ichigo said.

"Stop, I don't-" I started but he cut me off.

"I know you don't want to hear this. Hell you've probably heard it a thousand times, from your mom, dad, whoever cares about you most. It's scary to see the ones you care about going through so much and not being able to help. I have only known you for the past 4 maybe 5 hours. Probably not enough for you to trust me yet and I understand that. I had to earn the trust of all those girls over there because; they have all gone through something and I helped them because they are my friends." I heard a small ting of pain in his voice as he spoke. "I will tell you this, you don't want to leave the ones who need you the most."

I bit down on my bottom lip and nodded. I know he's right and I have heard that many times prior to him but somehow it came across more meaningful coming from him. I don't know why but if I had to pinpoint it I would say that it is because he has been in a somewhat similar situation.

End of the first day, finally. I was mentally exhausted. Orihime was cheery as we left our Economy class, Ichigo and I just looked at her and shook our heads. How she had this much energy on a daily basis was a bit scary.

"Well how was your first day?" Ichigo asked as he stood by my locker waiting for me to get my books.

"Alright, I could have done without going to your father's clinic. But it was a fun day." I answered honestly.

"It could have been so much worse. But with friends like Orihime I'm sure you'll be fine here just give it a few weeks." Ichigo said with a smile as he watched Orihime.

I saw the look in his eyes, the look of love and affection but it was hidden behind clouds of worry.

"Yeah Orihime is amazing. She reminds me of my friends Yuna." I answered with a smile as I remembered my best friend.

"Yuna? Yuna Akita?" Ichigo asked as he switched his gaze to me.

"Yeah, do you know her?" I asked as I perked up a bit.

"She doesn't seem like the one to be your best friend. She's not very friendly to some of the people in Karakura." Ichigo told me. The words hitting me like small daggers.

"Why would you say that? We were best friends since Middle School." I told him almost snapping.

"She causes a lot of the drama that circulates around here." Ichigo told me. "She gets into cat fights, arguments, and a lot of other bullshit."

"I don't believe you." I snapped.

"Miki, I'm sorry. Watch something new will show up and you'll see what I'm talking about." Ichigo said with a sigh.

I stood silent and sighed. I closed my locker door and looked at Orihime who approached us quietly.

"What are you guys whispering about?" She asked with a huge smile on her face.

"Are we all hanging out or going our separate ways?" Tatsuki asked as she showed up behind Orihime.

"Well we were going to hang out at the mall but you guys seem drained." Orihime said as she sighed.

"I'm sorry. I'm just really tired. I have homework." I replied my voice apologetic.

"Yeah, I didn't get enough sleep last night." Ichigo said with a slight yawn.

"Alright. Well maybe tomorrow." Orihime perked up. "Oh here is my number. If you need anything at all text me or call me." Orihime smiled as she passed me a piece of paper.

"My number is on there too." Tatsuki chimed in.

"Thank you guys." I said with a smile.

"Come on, I'll walk you home." Ichigo said as I looked at him for a split second.

"Thank you." I said with a smile.

Ichigo led the way out of school and eventually off of the campus. We were about a block away from the school campus when Ichigo looked at me.

"What made you transfer?" Ichigo asked me.

"I was in a horrible school before. Where the kids were horrible, the teachers non-caring, and the place I hated with every fiber of my being." I said as I played with my sleeves. "I was bullied non-stop and I eventually gave up. I got tired of everything that was happening." I shrugged it off. I did not want to dwell in the past.

"I'm sorry." Was all Ichigo could say. I wasn't expecting anymore then just those words in fact I was expecting less.

"I hated that school but it is in the past now." I shrugged it off.

"Do you mind if I stop at my house?" Ichigo asked.

"I don't mind. In fact I could walk the rest of the way." I told him.

"I offered to walk you and I'm going to do that. It'll be quick." Ichigo said reassuring me.

I shook my head as I realize we were standing right in front of his house. He walked to the door, unlocked it, and invited me inside. I took a deep breath and entered him house. I took off my boots at the door and felt the cold feeling of the wooden floor radiating through my purple socks.

"I'll be right back make yourself comfortable." Ichigo called as he walked upstairs.

I smiled to myself and felt my phone vibrate in my pocket before I even hear the tone of a text message. I took my iPhone out of my pocket and looked at the sender of the text message: _Asshole_. I bit my tongue and read the message. _Hope you lock your doors at night_.

I felt my heart drop, my stomach become twisted in many knots. I hated him and why I still had his number in my phone was beyond me. How did he even get my number? Breathing became increasingly difficult. Asshole: a fitting name to the one who took advantage of me at a young age. Who made me feel damaged, used, like a basket case.

"Miki, are you alright?" I heard a deep male voice ask. I looked up and saw Dr. Kurosaki.

"Oh Dr. Kurosaki. Hello." I said with a smile.

"Dad! Stop bothering her." Ichigo asked as he came down the stairs. He made eye contact with me. "Miki?"

"I'm alright. I'm just going to head home." I said as I quickly put on my boots. I tried to open the door but Ichigo bet me to it and opened it for me and followed me out.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" I started but Ichigo cut me off.

"Sorry for what?" Ichigo asked as he followed me up the block.

I couldn't get the words out, they were on the top of my tongue. However I did not want to say anything stupid, say anything that would make him unfriend me, avoid me. I shook my head.

"I don't know what you think you did but you are fine." Ichigo paused. "I meant in the sense that everything was okay. Miki do you want to talk?"

"No I'm fine Ichigo." I lied as I started to walk away.

I heard Ichigo sigh.

_I did not want to trouble anyone with my problems. I just made friends and did not want to turn them off. To have them kick me to the curb because I'm a basket case. The one who cannot keep out of trouble. The one who cuts like it is a hobby because it became an addiction. Scarred from head to toe, cuts deeper then I would have thought possible for me. This is a secret that will need to be hidden away because I cannot have anyone find out._

13 Page


	4. IV: Again

Don't Forget the Sun

Author's note: Rape scene ahead (nothing truly graphic because I couldn't handle going that much into detail).

* * *

_Chapter IV: Again_

_ It has been months and I'm glad to say I'm happy in Karakura. I haven't had a bully terrorize me in months. It has been great. Things between Ichigo and I have quickly grown into a close knitted friendship. Over the past two months Ichigo's father has insisted Ichigo watch over me to make sure I do not cut deep. It has come to the point were I have felt comfortable with letting him into my home and even sleeping in my own home. _

I heard screaming coming from the room down the hall I quickly rose from the computer chair through the door way and down the hall. It was coming from Miki's room I opened her door and ran to her bedside.

"Miki wake up. It's okay."I said as I softly shook her.

"Get away from me! Stop! You're hurting me!" She screamed.

"Miki!" I said again shaking her a bit more, she finally came to and she snapped up in bed. Panting, shaking, a little bit sweaty. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She said softly between pants. "Just a nightmare."

"About what?" I asked as I studied her.

"Nothing, it is in the past." She told me.

I sighed and let it go; she would tell me when she is ready. It hurt to see her go through this and it was only the first night.

"I'm alright. You can go back to bed. Sorry I woke you up." She said as she laid back down.

"You didn't wake me up." I said as I left her room, closing the door behind me.  
I sighed and ran my fingers through my orange hair that was growing back to the mullet I always hated.

"Is she okay?" I heard her sister ask.

"Yeah." I said softly.

"Nightmare, it happens a lot. She doesn't like to talk about them." She said as she walked downstairs and motioned me to follow and I did.

"So she just suffers through it?" I asked as she turned on the kitchen light which caused me to blink several times to get use to the brightness of the kitchen, a white kitchen with wooden floors.

"Yeah, it is her way to cope. She hates bringing it up. Miki has this mindset that she can handle everything on her own without the help of anyone. I think she thinks she is a burden to those around her." Mio answered as she went through the fridge. "Would you like anything?"

"No thanks. How long has this been happening?" I asked her as my eyes shifted to the stove clock which read 2:10am.

"About 3 years, I think they started happening in 10th grade." She replied.

"And her other method of coping?" I asked laying the hint down, unaware if she knew her older sister was cutting.

"Other method; what are you talking about?" She asked me.

She looked confused. "You don't know?" I let the words slip past my lips.

"Ichigo stop! What are you talking about?" She asked annoyed.

"Nothing; I'm thinking about someone else." I lied. Keeping Miki's secret with me, I wasn't going to drop something this heavy on her like that.

"Miki has always hidden things from me. Like her hatred for our older cousin." She told me.

"Why does she hate him?" I asked out of curiosity.

"I'm not sure. I was reading through her journal and eventually found something about him. I wasn't able to read it all." She sighed as she started to eat cookies.

-;-;-;-;-

I woke up to a cold drift in my room quickly got up and looked around.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake." I heard a male voice say.

"Hayate. Get out. I'll scream." I said as I took a deep breath.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you. You don't want your friend downstairs thinking you are damaged goods. Damaged beyond repair." He as said as he quickly appeared in front of me his left hand over my mouth. His right hand wandered up my night gown and ripped it off leaving me in my purple sports bra and matching underwear. I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I started to shift around anything to make noise.

"Stop moving!" he said as he pushed me roughly against the wall. His hands wandered down into my underwear I felt three fingers enter me and I screamed into the palm of his hand. He pushed roughly against the wall I got over my paralyzed with fear and pushed him away from me.

"You bitch." He snapped.

I took the knife from under my pillow and guarded myself with it. He wasn't scared nor did I expect him to be.

"You fucking dick! I'm tried of being your play thing! Stop terrorizing me! I had enough of this! Rape and sexual abuse since I was fucking 7 years old! You sick fuck!" I yelled.

"MIKI!?" I heard Ichigo yelling as he started pounding on my door.

"Come on! You finally have a knife in your hand. Do what you always wanted to do. Kill me. Wait you don't have the guts to." He said.

"Fuck you." I snapped. "Maybe I can cut your throat and you will feel the pain you made me feel whenever you choked me."

He laughed it off and Ichigo finally busted through the door.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Ichigo asked.

"How rude you haven't introduced us. I'm Hayate. The one who scarred her and made her into the fucking basket case she is." He laughed as he ran out the window he came through.

"You fucking sick bastard." I said as I ran after him but was stopped by Ichigo.

"Stay here. I'll get him." He said his eyes filled with anger.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks, not because it almost happened because I was angry. Pissed off that he still had the nerve to linger around the way he does. To pick on me like I'm some kind of toy; use me.

_Tired of life, flashbacks, pain, and hurt. It can all be taken away._

16 Page


	5. V: The Part That Hurts The Most

Don't Forget the Sun

_Warning: Includes Blood & Cuts_

* * *

_Chapter Five: The Part That Hurts The Most_

_ It's been about a week since my encounter with him. A week of ignoring Ichigo, Isshin, Orihime, Renji, Rukia, and Tatsuki. I pushed them away, far away, to the point were going to school became a chore. The amounts of absences were piling up and the school was calling after about three days of cutting classes. After I received a call from my teacher I decided I needed to go back. _

I walked to school by myself, my sister was still getting ready and I opted out of leaving with her. She desperately wanted to talk to me about that night but I couldn't I didn't want to bring it up; I just wanted to bury it deep inside and hope it all went away.

"Miki!" I heard a male voice call.

"Renji?" I mumbled.

His hand wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me in. "How are you doing?"

"Fine." I lied as I tried to wiggle out of his grip.

A sigh escaped from his lips.

"Don't press it Renji." Rukia said as she punched him in the arm, his arm dropped from my shoulder leaving me free to leave. But I chose to stay.

"Sorry." He apologized to us both.

"Sorry Miki. He got out of my grip." Rukia smiled softly.

"It's okay." I said my voice had no emotion.

"I know you don't want to be around anyone; but I want you to know we have all dealt with our fair share of problems." She said with a soft smile as she took my hand. "But we are here for you." She let go of my hand and smiled.

"Ichigo is worried out of his mind. You don't need to talk to him. But he wants to be sure you are okay." Renji said as he patted my head and left with Rukia; they were probably taking a different route to school.

I arrived at school feeling a little overwhelmed as I walked into Language Arts and saw Ichigo out of the corner of my eye. I swallowed hard and just sat down in the far back. Ichigo got up and sat in the chair to the right of me.

"Miki..." He trailed off, his eyes met mine and I looked down avoiding his gaze. My eyes went straight to his arm band; peaking out from underneath the arm band was a bandage. I felt my heart sink.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could manage to say to Ichigo.

"For what? I'm just glad you're okay." Ichigo said as he smiled softly.

"For putting you through a lot." I mumbled.

"You didn't put me or anyone through anything. We caught the bastard and now he is in jail." Ichigo told me as he put his hand in mine.

My hand snaked out of his and drifted up to his wrist which is were I felt him go stiff. I pulled up his arm band and looked at the bandage.

"What happened?" I asked.

"It's nothing." He said as pulled away.

"Nothing…?" I asked my voice soft and gentle.

"It's the way I cope with things." Ichigo said almost snapping.

"Cope with what?" I asked biting down on my lower lip.

"Don't worry about it." He said as he took my arm into his as he surveyed both arms which were covered from wrist to the crooked of the arm in bandages.

"Don't." I said as I quickly pulled away from him knowing my arm is sore from the nights prior.

"I know…I just wish I knew. So I could have done something before." He said softly.

"Don't do that. You didn't know. I'm fine." I said quickly.

The teacher looked at us as other people started to flood the room. "You can leave if you need to." She said

I took my bag and left the room and Ichigo followed behind. "Come on." He said as he took my hand and led me to the staircase were we went all the way up to the roof. He opened the door for me and told me to pick a spot and relax. I sat on the ground and let out a heavy sigh. Ichigo closed the door behind him and sat down next to me. The Sun was bright and warm as it hit my legs that were covered by cream colored thigh high socks.

"Why are you beating yourself up?" I asked as I looked over at Ichigo.

"Its always been this way." Ichigo explained. "The fact he even touched you makes my blood boil. I could have intervened earlier."

"You couldn't have done anything about it. It has been going on for awhile." I said honestly. "I've learned to accept it. Dark; I know, but it is easier for me to accept it and suppress it." I answered.

"How long has it been going on?" Ichigo said softly treading slowly to the dark side of the topic.

"Years, I don't know. I've tried to forget." I answered as I looked up to the sky and tried to relax.

"It's over now." He said softly as he took my hands that was gripping the rim of my skirt tightly.

"I feel like it's not." I said taking a deep breath and tryied to hide the fact I wanted to cry so badly.

"Demons are never gone until we see them disappear." Ichigo told me.

"It just fucking bothers me so much!" I said with anger in my voice.

Ichigo listened to me vent, he didn't try to calm me down; he knew that it wouldn't have worked so he let me vent. Let me tell him almost everything and why I wish I could get revenge. I started to cry midway and Ichigo just hugged me.

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner." He whispered in my ear.

I didn't say anything; I pulled away and took a deep breath. I took his hand and went for the arm band

"Miki stop." He said as he tried to pull away.

"Can I see?" I asked.

"Only if you let me see how far you went." He said in a serious voice.

I hesitated for a bit and let him; he rolled up my sleeve from my cardigan and looked at the bandages.

In return he put his wrist in my hand. I took off the arm band and took off the blood stained bandage. Underneath was many large, deep, cuts. I bit my lip.

"Why?" I mumbled.

"Because not being able to be strong enough to protect the ones you care about the most makes you feel weak." Ichigo answered his voice almost cold as he pulled his wrist out of my hand and stood up.

"Ichigo stop beating yourself up." I said as I got up and followed him.

"I can't! Even though I know he's in fucking jail it does not make me feel any better knowing that you are still suffering." Ichigo said as he punched the door as hard as he could.

"Ichigo stop!" I said I took his hand in mine and looked at him in the eyes. "Please."

"I just-" Before he could finish I stood on my tippy toes and kissed him on the lips. At first he was shocked, his hands went from holding my waist to wrapping them around my waist. His lips were soft, warm, and welcoming. I pulled away and looked him in the eyes, his hands still wrapped around my waist.

"I'm fine and I'm here now." I said with a soft somewhat fake smile.

"I know." He said softly. Ichigo kissed my forehead; he pulled away and let me go. He looked down at his wrist and saw blood trickling from his cuts. "Fuck." He quickly bandaged it up again and took his bag.

"Where are you going?" I said as I took my bag and followed him downstairs.

"Home, I need to re-clean and re-bandage it. Come on." He said as he took my hand.

We walked to his house in silence and when we finally got there we both needed to be quiet. I snuck in and found myself feeling a bit nervous; Isshin has been calling my cell phone since the cops showed up at his house to question Ichigo. He has wanted to have an appointment with me to see if I'm okay and all that.

"If we are quiet he won't know we are here." Ichigo said softly as he took my hand. "The first room on your left is mine. Just go into there and I'll be right up." Ichigo told me as he led me to the stairs and motioned me to go up.

I bit my bottom lip and tip toed up the stairs to make sure I wasn't heard. I reached the top of the stairs and snuck into his room. I turned his light on and was surprised to see a clean room; a guitar in the corner, a clean desk for working, and a made bed. I was shocked, mostly guy's room are dirty, messy, clothes all over the place. But Ichigo was the opposite. I sat on his bed and waited for him to come up.

What trigged Ichigo made me feel bad, it made me think about him hurting himself and so badly too. I want to help but the only way to help him is for me to make sure I'm better. That he knows I'm okay.

Ichigo opened the door and closed it behind him. In hand he had gauze bandages, alcohol pads, and medical tape.

"Let me help." I said as I walked over to him and pushed him to sit down on his bed.

"I could do it." Ichigo said with a sigh as he sat down.

"Shh, I want to help." I took off his arm band and then the bandage and the bloody gauze.

"You don't need to." Ichigo said as he took my hand when I dropped his bandages into the black garbage pail. I took my hand out of his and took the alcohol pads. I tore open a packet and looked at him. Ichigo sighed and nodded. I started to gently clean the cuts with the alcohol pads, they eventually stopped bleeding and I took the opportunity to cover it properly, and wrap it up. Once it was done I put his arm band on and smiled at him.

"See you're fine." I said with a soft smile.

"Thank you. Are you okay?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" I said tilting my head.

"Personally…are you okay?" He asked echoing his question.

"I'm alright…" I trailed off.

Ichigo took this time to let it go. "Do you need to rewrap?" Ichigo asked me.

"No." I answered.

Before we knew it Ichigo's bedroom door opened and Isshin looked at us. _Cornered. _My heart dropped.

"I knew you guys were here." Isshin said looking at us both.

"I'm sorry." I said softly.

"No it's fine. But we need to talk." Isshin said closing the door.

"Dad, stop. It's fine." Ichigo said trying to stop his dad from giving me a lecture.

"No it's not. I'm worried about you both." Isshin started. "I know you've been cutting Ichigo."

"I don't need to hear this speech again dad." Ichigo almost snapped.

"Ichigo stop! Just tell me why?" Isshin said as he grabbed his son and pinned him up against the wall. Ichigo started to fight back but his father had a better grip on him.

"Let me go dad!" Ichigo yelled.

"No!" Isshin yelled.

Ichigo struggled against his father's grip and eventually broke loose; he pushed away from his father.

"You want to know why!? Because I wasn't fast enough to stop the asshole who raped her in her own fucking bedroom." I bit my bottom lip and took a deep breath trying to not cry as I heard Ichigo yell at his father. Telling him why he has been beating himself up. "Under the same roof I was under. I wasn't strong enough to protect Mom or anyone else!" Ichigo yelled before storming out of his room and going down stairs; the front door slammed shut.

I stood quiet and looked over at Isshin who looked almost broken. He broken the silence first.

"You and my son have suffered in silence and that bothers me because I cannot do anything unless you come to me first. Miki, I'm worried about you but I am not going to push you. I know you and my son both self harm for different reasons. But he worries the most about you." Isshin told me.

I nodded. I took my stuff and left the household. It took me about 15 minutes to find Ichigo who was in front of the park's entrance.

"Ichigo listen to me." I said as I grabbed his hands before he started to walk away from me. "This is not your fault. I want you to understand that. There is nothing you could have done to stop it. You did not know."

"I could have been faster, it wouldn't have happened." Ichigo told me his grip tighten a bit around my hands.

"Ichigo stop beating yourself up; like you said earlier. You caught the asshole." I said with a smile. "You made it safe."

"But you wanted more…" Ichigo said softly. "You wanted revenge."

"Yeah I did. But that doesn't matter now." I said hoping he'd listen. "You're protecting me now because he is in jail. No longer lurker."

It took awhile for Ichigo to realize that he is protecting me, but he wanted more and I could see that in his eyes. He wanted him to hurt, he wanted to hurt him to the point were he felt more pain then I did.

"Yeah." Ichigo said as he stopped putting up a fight.

"I'm sorry. For putting you through all this but it's better now. Your father…he wants us to talk with him." I said with a deep breath.

"Are you ready for that?" Ichigo asked as he looked at me.

"I'm not sure to be honest." I said tighten my grip on his hands. "I'm scared. It still hurts to talk about it."

"Don't do it yet." I heard Ichigo say. "It can wait. My dad just wants to make sure you are okay. It's not something I want to force on you."

I nodded and felt him wrap his arms around me and embrace me in a tight hug. I smiled and wrap my arms around him.

_Everyday I get a little closer _

_And everything I'm made off starts to melt away _

_I see the signs but I can't quite make the words out _

_All I want is to be near you but I push you away _

_I just wanna get away but I hurt you everyday _

_(The part that hurts the most) _

_The part that hurts the most (is me) _

_The most (is you) _

_It's everything I do without you_

_Thousand Foot Krutch – The Part that Hurts the Most_

22 Page


	6. VI: The Pain of the Past & The Present

Don't Forget The Sun

**Chapter Warning:** Self Harm Ahead.

* * *

_**Chapter Six**_: The Pain of the Past & The Present

_Everything has been different for both Ichigo and I, I didn't know where we stood when it came to relationships. When it came to putting a label on us we didn't really care. Honestly I do not know if there is an us; we would kiss, make out, and relax with each other but we didn't really think more about it. Was it just a one time thing?_

Orihime hugged me and was happy to see I was actually alive and not dead in a grave I dug. It has been about a month an half since the incident and I avoided the whole group with the exception of Ichigo for that whole month. I wasn't ready to force myself to take the gazes and questions of others. She was welcoming, she didn't interrogate me or push me to talk; in fact she just smiled and made me aware that she is there if I need to talk.

Ichigo took my hand and led me up to the "normal" spot for us which was the rooftop of the school. I tighten my grip on his hand and felt my heart start to race. He closed the metal door behind us and kissed me on the forehead.

"I'm sorry for that." He said softly into my ears. "Orihime has wanted to see you since you came back to school last month."

"It is okay." I said softly as I looked up into his brown chocolate eyes and felt his lips meet mine. My heart started to race, I closed my eyes and went along with it. However it did not feel the same. My mind started to race and I felt panic start to rise. I pushed away from Ichigo and shook my head. No…he isn't _him_. _Why am I making this connection?! Ichigo didn't hurt me! Ichigo isn't HIM!_

"Miki." Ichigo said as he tried to hug me.

"No. Don't touch me." I snapped unable to control my anger and panic. I felt like the whole area changed and that I was back in my room helpless and defenseless. It felt like Ichigo was_ him_.

I shook my head and everything went back to normal. I felt my anger subside but not my panic, I wanted to cry and do something to get rid of the panic. Anything to cope!

"Miki." Ichigo took me into his arms but I pushed him away. Tears started to stream down my face and I couldn't help but feel scared. I ran, far away, out of school, out of anyone's site.

_The incident was a month ago and I still wasn't over it. Ichigo and I have been together for almost two months and then this happens. WHY!? This shouldn't be happening!_

-.-.-.-.-.-

I could not do anything but watch as Miki pushed me away and left me on the rooftop, all I saw was fear, and panic in her eyes.

I went home, I was alone, my father away from the office, my sisters were at school. The feeling of hate and weakness started to boil and overflow. My heart was racing, the only thing that occupied my mind was the girl that pushed me away when I kissed her. I felt sick to my stomach that I could not do anything for her. I was sick of being weak, pathetic. I was pathetic!

"FUCK!" I cursed as I slammed my door shut.

I went to my dresser draw, threw all of my junk out of the desk and onto the wooden floor. I found my box of new razors. I pulled down my armband, tore off the bandage, and took a razor into my right hand and started to cut. I watched as the blood surfaced and flowed down my wrist into the palm of my hand. I am weak! I couldn't protect anyone.

Miki wasn't the only one I failed to protect, no she wasn't.

Orihime was the first one I failed to protect. Abused by stupid kids in her school, she suffered with an eating disorder, and depression. She cut only once, but once was enough for her to realize life could easily be taken away. She was a happy kid at one point in time, her brother loved her to death, and he did everything he could to get her out of the abusive household. Once her mother passed and her father shortly after that her brother had to take charge of the household and it wasn't long after that when her brother was killed. She suffered so much and I couldn't do anything for her. We didn't date but we became close friends; a year after that her and Ishida found each other in ninth grade and have been together since.

Rukia was next, she suffered with depression, feeling like she wasn't the best for her older brother Byakuya. She always wanted to live up to his standards when her sister Hisana died but no matter what she did it was never good enough for him. She started to hurt herself whenever she felt the need to and fall into dark relationships with the wrong guys who never wanted her for her heart but for her body. Renji soon picked her up out of that slump and got her on the right track.

Then there was my ex-girlfriend, Namie. She was such an amazing girlfriend. We dated for 2 years until she killed herself. She was raped and abused; she coped with it in the wrong way. I did whatever I could to try and help her but it wasn't enough. She had scars all over her arms, and her thighs. I didn't see the scars and cuts on her legs until the day we lost our virginity to each other. But that one night will always stick with me, when she called me up crying into the phone. Telling me how much she didn't feel whole anymore, how much she hated feeling used, dirty, full of shame. She was cutting herself while on the phone with me. I ran to her house in the rain but I was too late, she was no longer breathing. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me. We dated from seventh grade to ninth grade.

They all ran through my mind as I cut, cutting over old healing scars making them bleed. At this point I didn't care how deep I was cutting…they all suffered because I wasn't strong enough.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It took me awhile to snap back to reality to see how much I actually cut. To see how much tissues I've used, how bloody my arm was.

"I'm okay." I kept repeating to myself.

I cleaned my arm and wrapped it up. _I am okay._ I told myself as I looked into the mirror to see my cheeks a little paler, my eyes watery. _I AM OKAY._

I looked at my iphone and saw 5 missed calls from Ichigo. I took a deep breath and called him.

"Hello." Was all I heard from the other end of the phone. No emotion whatsoever.

"Ichigo, I'm sorry." I said softly. "I'm gonna go to your house."

"No. I'll come to you." Ichigo said a little too quickly.

"But, I'm gonna leave my house now." I said as I put my sweater on.

"NO!" Ichigo snapped. I stopped in my tracks and felt my heart skip a beat. "I'm sorry Miki. I'll be right there. Just stay there."

Ichigo hung up on me, _what was going on?_

Twenty minutes later he knocked on my door and I opened it. He hugged me tightly, his hands wrapped around my waist.

"Ichigo." I said softly, almost being able to feel the pain he has went through.

"It's nothing." He said as he kissed my forehead softly.

"Don't do that to me." I said. "I do that."

"Miki it is nothing." He said as he kissed me on the cheek.

"But-" Ichigo cut me off and kissed me softly on the lips.

Ichigo wasn't my first boyfriend, but he was the only one that held me this way. It made me feel happy. He cared.

"It's nothing." He said as he let go of me and put his stuff in the closet that was behind the doorway.

I took his word and kissed him on the lips.

"Are you sure?" Ichigo asked as he gently pulled away.

"About what?" I asked confused by his question.

"This…us?" He asked softly.

"I wasn't sure if there was an us. I thought-" I trailed off before I looked away.

"You thought I was using you?" he asked.

I nodded. "No one wants damaged goods." I said softly.

"Don't say that." He said softly. "I would never do that." He kissed me on the cheek.

I started to kiss back and eventually felt fine with him touching me, at first his touch would make me move away from him, scared to have him touch me. But his touch was soft. His hands wrapped around my waist tightly. I smiled as we kissed, it was soft and warm. My hands started to roam to the front of his shirt. I felt his rock hard abs underneath the two layers of shirts; his sleeveless shirt and his uniform button down. I started to slowly unbutton his shirt, as my hand reached the top button I felt his heart racing. His uniform shirt was completely unbuttoned, he took both my hands and held them tightly.

"Stop." He said as he broke the kiss. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything. I don't want you to force yourself or feel like you need to prove anything to me. I'm fine with just kissing."

"I'm fine." I said softly.

"Miki, I'm being serious. I can tell. I don't want you to do this." He said softly.

"But…" I started to say.

"No, I can tell you are forcing yourself. It can wait." Ichigo said softly.

I kissed Ichigo softly. "I'm okay."

"Miki." Ichigo said softly into the kiss as I started to take off his sleeveless shirt.

-.-.-.-.-.-.

I wanted to give into my lust and just let her take my shirt off but I could tell in her eyes she was forcing herself. She was worried, worried that if she didn't do this we wouldn't be together.

"Stop." I said as I took her hands again before she lifted the shirt. "Please. Miki; you do not need to force yourself. I want to be with you, I don't want just sex, I want you. I want every part of you. That means your mind and your heart, not just your body. I want you to be comfortable before we take this next step. I know labels aren't important to us, but we have been together for about two months. So give it awhile till you feel comfortable. Just because I am I guy doesn't mean I always want sex." I said as I looked at her in the eyes.

I looked into her dark emerald eyes and saw somewhat relief. "We can wait."


	7. VII: Babycakes

**_Don't Forget the Sun_**

_Chapter Warning: Deals with Marijuana and talking about self harm._

_A Small chapter, Miki & Yuna reunited. _

* * *

Chapter Seven: Babycakes

I found myself sitting next to Yuna, my best friend who had changed drastically but she still loved me as though we were never separated. We sat on my rooftop; we skipped school because she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.

She rolled up my first joint and looked at me with her dark blue eyes that were lined with black eyeliner and black mascara. Her short light brown hair tied up in a high pony tail with bits and pieces of her hair framing her pale face.

"You sure baby cakes?" She asked me as she used my favorite nickname.

"Yeah." I nodded.

She smiled, finished rolling, and lit up the blunt. She took a deep inhale and then passed it to me. It was my first time but Yuna insisted it was something I should try, she was dealing with anxiety and depression and then she found weed. Told me it made her feel better. I lifted the joint to my lips and took a hit. It was hard for it to go down and so I coughed.

"It's okay, coughing makes it hit you harder." Yuna smiled at me as she encouraged me.

Yuna smiled as poked my knee through the torn hole in my light blue skinny jeans that matched my plain white t-shirt. One thing I did not notice was that we matched shoes, burgundy colored classic Vans.

We passed the blunt went on for a bit till we finished it. We sat in silence for a bit till she started to ask if I was okay, I nodded. The weed made me feel better, I didn't worry about anything. In fact it felt like I had nothing to think about, my mind was free of the junk that made me scared.

"Babe, did it happen again?" She asked as she looked at me and at my bandaged wrist. I had forgotten I had rolled my sleeves up from my cream colored hoodie.

"Yeah." I replied knowing what she was talking about.

"No one knows?" She asked.

"Just Kurosaki." I trailed off.

"Kurosaki? You mean Ichigo Kurosaki?" She asked looking at me almost in shock. "Y'all together or something?"

I bit down on my bottom lip and shrugged.

"It's okay baby girl. I'm not upset. I just feel left out. In the sense that I didn't know all this has happened." She smiled at me.

"I'm sorry. I just…I kept my distance from everyone when it happened again." I said softly. My stomach started to grumble a little bit. "Om nom, I'm kinda hungry." I said with a smile.

"The munchies hit you already? Come on lets get something to nom on." She said as she took my hand and picked me up off the ground. "What do you want?"

"I don't know. I have the strange urge for a bacon, egg, and cheese." I shrugged.

"Me too!" She said as she giggled. "Come on. I'll cook for us."

I giggled as we went down stairs. I don't know why I was so giggly but I was happy to be laugh as much as I was. I closed the rooftop door tightly behind us. I watched her walk in front of me, her dark blue jeans hugging her chubby curvy body and her black top somewhat low-cut; with a heather grey sweater on top. We both struggled with our weight in middle school, her more then I. She struggle with eating disorders, it took her about a year and a treatment center to realize she should love her body. It was a hard time for us both because about that time I started to cut as well. We promised each other not to tell the adults but I broke first, she was getting skinnier and skinnier to the point that I was scared for her. She later went to the hospital and was in treatment for a year until senior year of Middle School when she decided to say _'I don't give a fuck!' _to the bullies who made our lives Hell.

"Come on silly!" She rushed downstairs and into the kitchen. "I'm hungry" she sang.

When I finally reached the kitchen she was already starting to scramble the eggs and cook the bacon. The smell of bacon made my stomach grumble even more; it was strange, I haven't eaten a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich since middle school.

Time passed and she served us both. She took out the orange juice and filled up both our glasses and took a sit. The sandwich was packed with cheese, crispy bacon, and scrambled eggs.

"YUM!" She said before she took a bite. I followed in her actions and took a bite.

It was the greatest meal in the world to me at the point in time, anything to stop the grumblings.

"SO! Tell me about you and Kurosaki." She urged before she took another bite.

"What is there to tell?" I giggled as I took a bite.

"Come on! He's cute." She smiled widely. "How did you guys meet?"

"Orihime introduced us, and he went from there. He is in all my classes. During my Physics class was really nerve wrecking for me." I said as I took a deep breath and sighed.

"What happened?" She asked before she took a gulp of orange juice.

"I didn't know it was against lab rules to wear sleeves and I had to take off my sweater." I took another bite of my sandwich, chewed, swallowed, and took some juice.

"You're still cutting?" She asked gently as she put down her sandwich.

I nodded as I took another bite and looked up at her to meet her gaze.

"How bad has it been recently?" She asked.

"Pretty bad I guess. After that I went to the Kurosaki Clinic to get stitches." I said softly.

"Stitches!? Baby cakes…are you okay?" She asked the sadness in her voice was hitting hard.

"Yeah." I said softly. I'm fine, they are healed. I mean I cut after…but that's different." I shook my head, my bangs in my line of sight. "Don't do this. Come on finish eating. Tell me about your life."

Yuna sighed heavily, picked up her sandwich and took a bite. "What is there to say? I've been okay. Doing good in school, home is alright. Things have gotten better." She perked up and smiled.

Yuna was in an abusive household, her father was abusive to Yuna, her mother, and her younger sister, and even her older brother. Her older brother snapped and got into a fight with her father. It was hard on the family because Hayate was always questioned as to what made him snap, but it was too easy to see he was fed up with the abuse.

"That's great. How is everyone?" I asked as I took another bite.

"They are great. Happier." She smiled so wide her small dimples were showing. _We had made fun of each other when it came to our dimples because we always thought they were annoying but we later came to enjoy them. _

"That's great." I cheered.

"Yeah, so you and Kurosaki…" she nudged me as she took the last bit of her sandwich and put it in her mouth.

"Yeah, he chased after me when I left Physics. We argued about how it's not a good coping mechanism and how I should go to the doctor. The sad thing is we both cut…I mean…. Now I understand how you guys feel when you see me in pain and can't help." I said shrugging as I took the final bite of my sandwich and chased it down with juice.

"It hurts. How are you guys doing though? Taking things slow?" She asked

"Yeah, which is strange for me." I said softly.

"Cause you've been through a lot." She said looking at me her eyes filled with concern.

I nodded. "It's nothing major. I'm fine and I've been okay. Healing is a process and I've been okay."

I could tell in her eyes she was worried but she quickly dropped the subject. She didn't want me to feel uncomfortable so she smiled and took my plate and washed the dishes.

"Want to smoke more or are you done?" She said as she cleaned the plates.

"Up to you babe." I giggled.

Yuna laughed and finished washing the plates, the pans, and glasses.

"One more and then I gotta head back. So text your hubby and tell him to come over in about 45 minutes." She giggled.

"He's not my hubby. Just my…boyfriend." I said letting the word slip.

"Haha, see." She giggled and went up to my room to roll another.

I smiled and didn't bother to text Ichigo because I knew I would be buzzed until I took a nap.

"Babycakes!" Yuna yelled from my room. "We def' need to get twin piercings."

"Yeah! I want to get something pierced." I yelled back.

"I want the industrial piercing." She called.

"It's a date then" I yelled as I smiled.

_Friends back together._

* * *

Author's Note: This actually did happen between my best friend and I in High School. She had been my BFF since 9th grade and she was the one who got me into smoking when it came to our anxiety and self harming habits. My best friend did suffer with body image problems and even self harm.


	8. VIII: Nervous Touch

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter Eight: Nervous Touch

The high had worn off and I found myself dreading to actually wake up but I sat up in bed and checked my iPhone for messages. I got 2 from Ichigo and 1 from Orihime. I checked Ichigo's messages and they said the following:

Hey Miki, mind if I head over after classes are over?

I smiled and replied with _I don't mind_. I did not reply to Orihime's message but instead got up and went to the bathroom. Ichigo said he'd be here in an hour, so it gave me the opportunity to take a shower and get rid of the smell of weed. I washed my hair, my body, and carefully went over the cuts. I was damaged and it took me awhile to get used to the fact I actually have a boyfriend who wanted me for me and not just my body.

About 20 minutes later I exited the shower and cleaned up the blood that was making it's way down my arm. I took a deep breath and wrapped up my arm, I dried my body off and went to my room wrapped in a towel. I took out a black bra with lace detail around the side and a matching pair of black underwear to match. I got dressed in a pair of black jeans and a dark blue plain shirt. As I towel dried my hair and put finger combed some mousse into my hair I heard the doorbell ring. I swiped my hair to the left side of my head and went downstairs to answer the door.

"Hey." Ichigo said with a smile.

"Hi." I replied back as I ushered him inside, he followed me and put his stuff in the closet.

"How are you doing?" He asked.

"Pretty good." I said as I took his left hand in mine and smiled.

"That's good. I was worried about you today." He said softly as he took my right hand in his and gently kissed me on the forehead. My back to the wall, I bit down on my bottom lip and giggled. "Am I doing something wrong?" he asked almost teasingly when he realized how much I was giggling.

"No. I just- I like this." I said softly as I tippy toed and kissed him on the lips.

"Us?" He said softly as he slowly broke away from the kiss making me want more.

"Yeah." I said softly our lips almost touching.

"Good." He said as his hands left mine and wrapped around my waist.

I giggled and broke away. "Come on if we are going to make out lets not do it in the hallway."

Ichigo bit his bottom lip and followed me upstairs not to my room but the library. Inside was most of my photography pieces and my sister's paintings. We valued each other's work and needed to showcase it somehow and the library was the best. The library's dark wooden floors and the black shelves made it easy to decorate it with black and white photography a long with my sister's colorful paintings. The sofas were a nice black leather material and the pillows were dark red.

Ichigo came up behind me and kissed me on the neck playfully. I giggled and walked further into the room, Ichigo closed the door behind us.

Ichigo kissed me softly on the lips, his lips were soft and welcoming. Ichigo's hands hugged me tightly. I smiled into the kiss, my hands reached his uniformed button down shirt. I started to unbutton it as we kissed. My heart was racing, I was nervous because I was half for it and half scared. I guessed he sense my unsure feelings in my touch and softly touched my cheek.

"Miki we don't have to do this." He said softly. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just nervous, scared." I said softly.

"I'm not going to force this and I'm not going to hurt you." Ichigo said softly as he kissed me on the cheek.

"I know." I said softly as I kissed him on the lips.

"Stop me if you want to stop." Ichigo said softly.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Miki nodded and I proceeded to kiss her on the lips, I moved to her cheek and then her neck. She let out a low moan into my ear and grabbed onto my shirt. Her hands kept unbuttoning my shirt enjoying the fact that I found her weak spot. I put my hands under her dark blue shirt and held her close. Like before she had my school uniform shirt completely unbuttoned, I took it off and bit down on her neck. She let out a loud gasp and it bought her body closer to mine. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my torso. She giggled and it drove me crazy, it was cute how she seems happy right now. I want this to last.

"Don't drop me." She said as she held me tightly.

I pretended to drop her but held onto her as she bent backward. She laughed as I picked her back up. Her smile was contagious and I couldn't help but smile in return. Our nose touched and she kissed me softly on the lips; I felt her softly touching my back. I'm happy.

She pulled away and kissed me on my neck softly and then bit down making me let out a low growl. I felt her lips curl into a smile and bite down again. I sat down on the black leather sofa and felt her bite down a bit hard which made me growl in return. She stopped and looked at me with a playful smile.

"You're beautiful." I said softly.

Miki smiled and buried her head in my chest, I let out a laugh and put my hands on her hips. My hands slowly traveling up her shirt to see how far I could go without her getting scared; I didn't not want to ruin this moment. She lifted her head from my chest and kissed me on the lips as my hands worked up her waist, the shirt slowly rising up and showing me her body. She welcomed my touched and smiled when she took off her shirt. She was wearing a black lace bra, she was nervous but quickly got over the nerves.

She kissed me again but the passion started to fade when I felt bad for making her go this far. The scars started to burn with guilt as I looked at her arm littered in cuts. I stopped her and kissed her on the lips.

"I can't do this." I said to her softly.

"But why?" she said softly her voice soft as it hit my ears, my heart sank.

"I can't say." I said. "It's not your fault beautiful. I just- I just have a lot on my mind."

"Ichigo…" She said softly my name slipping past her light pink lips.

"I'm sorry beautiful." I said as she climbed off of me and let me go.

I took my uniform shirt and went downstairs to search through my jacket for a joint my friend had rolled for me during the day. I went outside to the side of the house and lit the joint with my black lighter.

It was the day she was ready, but I wasn't. The guilt coursed through my body making me feel horrible. I knew she was fine with it but the only thing that went through my head is when I found her stripped down to just a bra and panties in her room because of that asshole. It has been about 3 months since then but it still bothered me, burning through my veins.


	9. IX: Gone

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 9: Gone

I massaged her breast and heard her moan my name; it turned me on. I massaged them harder and she moaned even louder.

I looked into her eyes and saw fear.

-.-.-.-.-

I woke up from the nightmare, breathing became harder to do. My own girlfriend afraid of me but too scared to say anything. I got off of my bed and went downstairs and into my dad's office.

"Dad?" I asked as I opened the door.

I opened the door and saw Miki sitting down talking to my father. She was wearing leggings and my ash black sweatshirt. She got up when she saw me and left the office. I tried to grab her hand as she left but she slipped by. It was just like my nightmare there was fear in her eyes.

"What happened?" I asked.

"She called me crying early this morning." He explain.

"About what?" I asked

"I can't say Ichigo." My father said keeping me out of the loop.

"DAD! She's my girlfriend!" I snapped.

"Then talk to her. She's forcing herself. It is coming to the point where she's telling me she wants to kill herself Ichigo. I don't want to be the one who puts her on suicide watch." He snapped. "She needs to talk about it."

I left his office the thoughts in my head were racing faster and faster. I saw her sitting on the stairs playing with her wrist band that I got from the 30 Seconds to Mars website it said: Kings & Queens MARS. She loved the band and that was just something I got for her because I wanted her to have something.

I walked up to her and grabbed her hand she was nervous but welcomed the gesture.

"Ichigo…I'm sorry but I can't do this…us." She said softly.

"What? Why? You are so happy." I said holding her hand my heart beating fast.

"I'm scared…" She trailed off.

"I know. I'm not forcing you to do anything." I said softly not wanting to lose her.

"I know but I just can't. I don't want to feel as if I'm burdening you." She said softly.

"Don't be ridiculous." I said as my hands wrapped around her waist. She tensed up and pulled away.

"I'm sorry." I said softly.

"I just can't. I can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore." She said as she started to cry.

I hugged her tightly her face against my bare chest. I didn't like seeing her like this it was sad and scary because I knew she was hurting and I couldn't do anything for her.

"I'm afraid to sleep." She whimpered. "I just want to be okay."

I saw new bandages on her wrist and felt my heart drop.

"I'm tired of being damaged." She said.

I didn't know what to say…she was so hurt and I couldn't do anything. I pulled away from her and watched her as she looked up at me. I wiped away her tears and smiled at her.

"You are too pretty to cry." I said softly.

She caught my wrist in hers and turned over my wrist to see all the fresh deep cuts.

"Stop." I said in annoyance.

"NO YOU STOP!" She snapped, she was angry at me that I couldn't stop.

"I've tried." I said getting annoyed.

"So have I!" She snapped.

"This isn't about me." I said lowering my voice. "It's about you. I know you're going to hate me but listen to me. I want you to get better-" She cut me off.

"Don't say it Ichigo. Please." She begged her voice almost cracking.

"I want you to get help. You're cutting yourself deeper than me and you've tried to kill yourself. Please." I begged her.

"Stop." She cried covering her ears, closing her eyes, her bottom lip quivering, she fell to her knees.

"I'm sorry babe." I said softly as I kneeled down in front of her.

"Please Ichigo! Don't do this to me." She cried.

"You need it babe." I said taking both of her hands in mine and holding them.

"You're such a hypocrite." She cried. "What about you?"

"Miki-" I tried before she cut me off she flipped, she was angry I was throwing her under the bus telling her she needs help when I cope with things in the same way.

"Do not start. You cut too yet I'm the one who has to go!" She slipped her hands out of mine. "I'm done."

"Miki don't say that." I said as I reached to caress her pale cheek. She pulled away and stood up.

"No…I'm done…we are over...! You are such a fucking hypocrite. Yeah I cut…but you do too. Yet you're telling me to get help. What the fuck Ichigo? What about you? You tried to kill yourself too-" I cut her off before she could say anymore; I stood up and watched my father come into the room from the corner of my eye.

"Miki! You NEED help!" I snapped trying to get her to realize she needs more help than I.

"Shut up!" She snapped. "You've been cutting for 7 years Ichigo!"

I took the hit, I wasn't going to argue with her. I wasn't going to fight back because I cared for her. She was hurting and I saw that in her eyes whenever she yelled at me. She hated me and I saw that. I was only looking out for her and not thinking of how she felt. I didn't want her to end her life. Something I was close to doing a couple of months back.

"You tried to kill yourself several times! But the time I do it I'm suddenly the damsel in distress. Are you only dating me because I need help!? Was that your goal? If so, fuck you! You date the girls who need fucking help." She snapped.

The hits just kept coming and I stood quiet. "Don't go." Was all I could say but she walked out.

She was crying and I wanted to hug her so badly; tell her everything will be okay.

But she was _gone_.

_Would you believe me if I said I was sorry_  
_The question wasn't mean to hurt,_  
_It was just my fear of losing you._  
_And now you're filling all the space that surrounds you_

_- Every Avenue - Between You & I_


	10. X: Fear of Losing You

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 10: Fear of Losing You

It's been a month since we've spoken, she hasn't called me or my father, her sister has seen he every now and then but never spoke to her. I wanted to call her, see how she was doing but I've called her everyday since we've broken up to see if she would finally listen to me.

I only did it to protect her from herself, to show her I cared for her. But it just flipped around and turned on me. She was right I was being a hypocrite, telling her to get help when I should have been getting help.

I've been getting help but it hasn't worked, the doctor prescribed me anti-depressants but those haven't worked. They never fucking helped. The only thing that worked was the razor digging into my skin. It go to the point were my whole arm was covered in cuts; a sweatband would no longer cover the damage I did to myself.

Chad became increasingly concerned for me and even tried to help by getting me to talk; it didn't work.

Renji did the same. He tried to speak to me tried to get me to talk.

"Dude, you have to snap out of it. You guys need a break is what it is. You need to get better before she can trust you." Renji told me as he walked by my side when I was walking home so I could cut class.

"I've tried getting better. I've tried to make everything better for us both." I sighed.

"Dude you're gonna kill yourself. The guys and I have noticed your arm. You need to stop. If Miki saw this she wouldn't be happy." Renji replied he was angry but concerned.

"Maybe that's what I'm going for." I said as I took a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it with the lighter I took out of my front pocket.

"You can't fucking be serious right now!" Renji snapped stopping me in my tracks.

"And what if I am?" I said with no emotion in my voice as I looked at Renji in the eyes.

"You know we are all fucking worried for you Ichigo! Shit gets better when you guys are together; and then when you guys are apart shit gets worse for you both! Do you understand if she gets better and you aren't here to see that she'll regret everything?" Renji snapped. "No, let me put it this way! If she kills herself what would you do? You would think it was your fault even though it wasn't! You'd fuck up the chances of shit getting better!"

"She'll get better without me." I said taking an inhale of the cigarette.

"Ichigo shut up! You know you fucking love her. You know you do! So don't say shit like that." Renji snapped as he made a fist. "Don't fuck shit up. We all care for your well being and Miki's well being. We are no longer going to keep shit quiet, the teachers are getting suspicious of you because of your behavior and your grades and Miki because her grades are slipping and she isn't coming to school. She has to come back next week or else she is going to get kick out of school."

His words hit me. "She hasn't been in school?" I looked at him confused.

"You are so fucking blind. She's been missing classes since last month. No one has heard from her." Renji snapped.

I dropped my cigarette and felt my heart drop. _She wouldn't…would she?_

"Has anyone checked on her?" I said feeling my chest tighten.

"No…" Renji said.

My chest got tighter and I just shook my head and dropped my bag. I sprinted toward her house. _She wouldn't do it. No, she has so much to live for._ As I ran to her house my chest was getting tighter and breathing became harder; my mind racing with thoughts of what I could possibly find.

I arrived at her house, it started to rain hard and I started to pound on her front door. I eventually remember that she had a key in the lamp on the right side of the front door.

"Please still be here." I said as I frantically searched the lamp and eventually found a key on a rope.

I opened the front door and went upstairs straight to her room. I tried to open the door but it was locked.

"Miki! Please open the door." I said as I pounded on the door.

I heard sobbing coming from the other side of the door.

"Miki! PLEASE!" I begged pounding the door.

I backed up and kicked the door; it only took to kicks near the doorknob for it to break and the door to swing open. I found her lying on the floor crying with pills by her side. I picked her up and hugged her tightly.

"How many did you take?" I asked my heart racing.

"Maybe 5." She shrugged crying into my chest.

"Are these brand new?" I asked with tears in my eyes as I looked at the orange bottle of prescribed sleeping pills. She nodded. I counted out how many were in the bottle and how many were on the floor, it came out 20 pills and 40 were originally in the bottle.

"Half the fucking bottle Miki!" I cried.

I took out my phone and dialed 911.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asked.

"My girlfriend swallowed 20 sleeping pills we need an ambulance over here ASAP. At 6235 Seocho Neighborhood." I said quickly.

"Alright sir we are sending an ambulance over there; keep her awake." I hung up the phone and looked at Miki.

"Why?" She asked looking at me her eyes half closed.

"Because I care about you…" I said softly as I smiled trying to hide the tears.

"It just became too much." She admitted.

"I know babe." I said softly kissing her on the cheek. "You're gonna be okay."

Tears streaming down her pale cheeks. "Please don't give up."

We were all made the same, I know it's tough.  
Please don't give up!

Don't speak that way,  
cause I won't allow you.

You're too young to live this way.  
Just close your eyes and see the true meaning.  
You're too young to live this way,  
just look around and see that life is beauty.

Of Mice & Men – The Great Hendowski

38 Page


	11. XI: And This War's Not Over

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 11: & This War's Not Over

I looked at her sleeping peacefully in the hospital bed, her face pale but you can see what the stress has done to her, thinner too as if she hasn't been eating. I sighed as I put my head in my hands. _How could I let this happen?_

"How is she doing?" Renji asked as he poked his red head in.

"Better. She is sleeping now." I said softly before I got up and went into the hallway with Renji.

"How are you doing?" He asked me crossing his arms. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and dark blue jeans with combat boots his hair down and damp from the rain.

"Tired, worried, I don't know." I shrugged rubbing my eyes.

"Go home, take a shower, and get some sleep." Renji commanded me.

"And if she wakes up?" I asked worried that she'll wake up soon.

"We'll call you." Renji smiled.

I nodded and let him stay. Hopefully everything will be okay while I'm gone.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I blinked a few times before my eyes adjusted to the bright light of the hospital room. I sighed…_still alive_. My throat was sore and my head hurt.

"Morning sunshine." I heard a deep male voice say from the other side of the room.

"Renji?" I said as I tried to sit up, my stomach didn't hurt as much as I thought it would have.

"How are you doing?" He asked.

"How long have I been here?" I asked ignoring his question.

"About 3 days, they pumped your stomach as soon as you got in. Then you knocked out." Renji explained to me.

"Ugh." I said as I rubbed my face. "You must think I'm crazy."

"No. I don't think you're crazy. I know you did it for some type of reason; that I am unaware of. I just wish it didn't come to this." He said softly. "Are you okay?"

"My throat is sore but whatever." I sighed. "Do my parents know?"

"Yeah." Renji answered.

"Let me guess, they know but they aren't gonna help and see if I'm okay." I said with a hint of an attitude.

Renji nodded, I smirked and shook my head. "Figures." I sighed. "They didn't even pick up on the hints that I was being bullied, that I was cutting myself, cutting school. They didn't understand how much I hated going to my cousin's house because he'd sexually abuse me."

Renji listened and didn't say anything but I could see that he was shocked by his body language. I didn't even care anymore; I was tired and just done with everything.

A knock came on the door and in came Dr. Kurosaki, I let out a long sigh.

"Hey Miki." Isshin said softly as he placed a bottle of Orange Juice on the table.

"Thanks." I said softly. "Mental health evaluation?" I asked looking at him sitting by my bed side with a clip board.

"Yeah, do you want Renji present or not?" He asked looking over at Renji who was on his phone for a quick second.

"It doesn't bother me." I shrugged.

"Okay; any diagnosis of mental disorders?" He asked.

"Just acute depression and PTSD." I said softly.

"Ever received treatment for any of those?" he asked.

"Nope." I replied.

"Have you ever attempted suicide before? Was cutting just a way of relieving the pain or did you do it with the intentions of killing yourself?" he asked

"No I never attempted suicide prior to the other day. Cutting was just a way of relieving the pain." I said as I opened the bottle of OJ to take a sip.

"The suicide attempt was it because of the rape or other things?" he asked looking over at me.

"It was the fact it was a continuous sexual abuse. My parents never cared, I was bullied in school and they never did anything about it. I wasn't until I cut too deep one day and my mom found me in my room crying. It was because of the fact my parents are no longer together and I need to take care of myself and my younger sister." I started to feel like breathing became harder.

"Are you sure you want to continue Miki?" Isshin asked picking up on the fact I looked like I was going to start crying.

"Lets just finish this up." I said swallowing hard.

"Okay. Do you regret surviving?" He asked softly, out of the corner of my eyes I saw concern fill his eyes.

"Yes and no. Yes because I still have to suffer with the nightmares. And no because I have friends who are here to help me and a boyfriend who cried over me." I said swallowing hard.

The door opened and Ichigo walked into the room. Ichigo was dressed in a black pullover shirt with a black pair of denim pants, converse, and a black jacket, his hair damp probably because it was raining outside.

"Miki." Was all I heard from his mouth before he ran over to me and hugged me tightly. "You aren't allowed to leave yet."

"I'm sorry." I said softly as I hugged him tightly feeling the tears forming in my eyes.

"Shut up! I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a hypocrite. Telling you what to do; telling you what is right and what is wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." He said as he kissed me on the lips. I could taste the mint coming off of his lips probably from brushing his teeth.

I started to cry and Ichigo wiped away all of my tears, smiling and kissing my cheek while he dried my cheeks.

"Miki we are done. But I'm gonna have to keep you here." Isshin told me with a smile as he watched me and Ichigo hug.

"NO! Please anything but that! Hospitals scare me." I begged my voice shifting to a higher pitche.

"I'll see what they say. But I cannot make any promises." Isshin said as he got up and left the room and Renji left behind him.

"I'm sorry." I said to Ichigo.

"No, I'm sorry." Ichigo said softly as he kissed me on the lips. "What matters the most is that we can both do better. We can do this together."

Everything we take out in anger  
Eventually will break down to answers..  
That are ringing in my head...

Slow down, take a deep breath  
We can't give up tonight!

Every Avenue – The Story Left Untold


	12. XII: No distraction to mask what is real

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 12: There is no distraction to mask what is real

My dad let her go home on one condition **that the house was cleaned of any items that could be a threat to her**, anything she could possibly kill herself with. I thought it was crazy how he requested this but it was medical procedure for anyone who just survived a suicide attempt. Miki hated me, she didn't want to tell me where anything was located she left it up for me to look. The only thing she said was that there were 5 boxes of razors scattered around the house. I was frustrated but I knew that's how I would have been if my house was being raided of my razors and lighters.

I found a box of razors in her dresser, in her bathroom medicine cabinet, and in her library on the third shelf of the 1st bookcase to my right. The next two were a bit more annoying to find, one in the kitchen on the upper shelf of the cabinet over the stove and the final one was on the top of her door frame. In total it took me about 2 hours to find all the boxes. The next thing I was suppose to do was remove all medicine from the house, my dad took this chance to do an overview of the house to make sure I got everything. He left the house with about 6 bottle of pills.

We had to make sure she wasn't here for any of this, we sent her out shopping with Orihime for the day because if she was here she would fight us and try to bargain with us about letting her keep things.

"Ichigo." My father said as he stood in the doorway of Miki's bedroom.

"Yeah dad?" I replied looking over at him as I continued to stiff through her draws.

"Is it me or has Miki been losing a lot of weight?" My father asked.

"No it's not just you. I've noticed it too." I answered giving him a completely truthful answer.

"Did she say anything about going on a diet?" My father asked.

"No. Why?" I asked confused as to where this conversation was actually going and then it finally hit. "You think she's starving herself?" I asked in shock as I did a 180 and stared at my dad.

"I'm just saying because she has lost a lot of weight since last month. It isn't healthy. Maybe since we know about her cuttting she is looking for a new way to cope." My father suggested.

"I don't think so; she seems pretty confident in her body." I replied as I started to think back to when she allowed me to take off her shirt.

"I'm being serious Ichigo." My father snapped.

"I know. I'll be on the lookout." I sighed as I ran my hands through my long hair.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

We walked into a little café in the mall and order a couple of frozen vanilla chai teas and chocolate chip cookies. We paid for our items and went to go sit on the high tables; I set down my bags and went to help Orihime with the drinks.

"Thanks for taking me out." I told her with a smile as I took both of the frozen drinks.

"No problem, figured you needed a break." Orihime said with a bright smile.

"Yeah, it's been crazy." I replied as I set our drinks and sat down on the high chairs.

"Yeah I could tell. Are you doing okay?" She asked me as she sat down across from me.

"I could be a bit better but I'll be fine." I nodded looking over at her. "It's been awhile. I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize; I knew there was something going on and I did not want to invade your space. I didn't want to ask because I wanted you to feel comfortable telling me what was going on." She said with a smile.

"I'm sorry. I just got overwhelmed. I thought I could handle a lot of the stuff but it did go the way I wanted." I said with a sigh.

"You wanted to…" She trailed off and I knew the end of her sentence before she could even finish.

"Yeah." I said as I took a sip of my chai tea. "It got to the point where it got hard to deal with. The memories haunting me and keeping me from sleep; it made me feel scared. I didn't like living in fear even though he is in jail I still felt like I was open to having him try it again. I didn't like living in fear and I just couldn't take it anymore."

"I know you have heard this many times before." She said as she took my hand in hers. "We are here for you. I didn't really go through all that but I've had my fair share of problems. I use to starve myself and purge. I did all this damage to my body because of kids in my school, because I no longer had family to protect me and tell me everything was okay. But I did get through it with help from Ichigo, Uryu, and Tatsuki." Orihime smiled.

"Thank you Orihime." I said with a smile.

I nibbled on my cookie and suddenly did not feel that hungry…_I wasn't eating that much and I had cut down my meals to about 1 or 2 a day. I know it was a bad thing to do, but I did drop about 20 to 25 pounds in a month, and I've dropped down to a size 10. Even though I no longer had people breathing down my neck telling me I needed to be skinny, no one would love me if I had rolls and stretch marks. I didn't want to be extremely skinny but I did want to lose a bit of weight. It wouldn't hurt._

I spotted a tattoo shop across the mall floor and smiled. "Wanna go to the tattoo palor?" I asked

"What?" Orihime asked in shock.

"I wanna get my nose pierced." I said with a smile. "PLEASE!" I begged.

"Okay I'll go with you." She said with a smile.

I smiled widely and grabbed my shopping bags and went across the way to the tattoo shop that was surprisingly empty.

"Welcome ladies, what can I help you with?" A guy said as he came from the back of the store.

He tall about 6' 3" with black hair, teal eyes, light skin, he had a sleeve of tattoos on both arms but the top half of the sleeves were covered by the short sleeve black shirt he was wearing. He wore black jeans and black converse sneakers. He had his septum pierced and his bottom lip pierced.

"Are you closing?" Orihime asked before I could even open my mouth.

"No, we are moving to a different location because this place is just too small for the amount of people we get on other days. Most of our customers are probably down at our new studio. I'm just here to finish getting stuff ready and help customers." He said with a smile.

"So can I get my nose pierced here?" I asked timidly.

"You sure can. You want your nostril pierced or your septum?" He asked

"I want both but I'll settle for the nostril for now." I giggled.

"Anything for you miss?" He asked as he looked over at Orihime.

"Um…sure I'll probably just get my ears pierced for a second time." Orihime shrugged.

"Alright I'll do you first." He said looking at me. "My name is Alex, and yours is?"

"Miki." I said with a smile.

"Nice to meet you now come with me." Alex said as he went to the back of the shop.

Everything seemed black in the shop, the floors were black marble, the register was black wood, the walls were a dark blue, and covered with their art work.

"Take a sit." He said as he padded the black lounge chair. "Before I forget; I need you to sign this paper. It just states you are over the age of 16 for getting your nose pierced, I would also need your ID for verification."

I took a sit and stiffed through my bag and found my wallet, I took out my ID and showed it to him, he nodded in approval and handed me a paper and a pen. I read over it, signed it and dated it. As I did that he put on black latex gloves and took out a corkscrew nose ring that was still in the package and the needle that was still in the package. He cleaned them with alcohol in front of me and then set them down on the metal table top.

"Alrighty, now lets get you cleaned up." Alex took a cotton swab and put a good amount of Alcohol on it. "Where do you want it?"

"On my left side." I said with a smile, he nodded and cleaned the left side of my nose with the damp cotton swab.

He took out a marker and marked my nose. "Now go to the mirror and tell me if you like that placement."

I did as he said and looked in the mirror behind the chair, and studied the placement.

"Alright, I like it." I said as I sat down.

Alex picked up the needle and cleaned it once again. "Okay, take a deep breath." He said.

I closed my eyes and I felt the needle on the tip of my nose as I took a deep breath and felt the needle go through, my eyes started to water. When I opened my eyes everything was over.

"Perfect." He said with a smile.

I got up from the chair and saw the small metal ball peaking out of my nostril.

"Oh my god, it is great." I cheered. "Thank you."

"No problem, you can tell your friend to come to the back." He said with a smile.

I walked to the front of the shop with a grin on my face. "It looks awesome Miki." She smiled.

"Thanks, you can go on back." I told her, she pranced on by me and went to the back.

It was only 5 minutes later when she came out with a smile on her face and Alex was right behind her.

"Alright ladies, Miki that will be 15 dollars and Orihime that will be 14." He said

I nodded and took out 18 dollars from my wallet and handed him the money. The tip was just a way of me showing how happy I was.

"Thank you so much." I said with a smile.

Orihime gave him his payment and smiled.

"Thank you ladies; here is our business card for our new shop." Alex said with a smile as he handed us a black business card with the name "Vengeance Tattoo Parlor" with the number and the address of the new shop.

We nodded and said our goodbyes to Alex. I am glad I got my nose pierced it was a way for me to change. I loved the way it looked and I was so happy with it.

Sometimes quiet is violent  
I find it hard to hide it  
My pride is no longer inside  
It's on my sleeve

Car Radio – Twenty One Pilots


	13. XIII: I am Sorry

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 13: I am Sorry

We woke around 8am and she was okay, she kissed me on the lips and I wrapped my hands around her waist. She was getting smaller and that was worrisome. I looked at her and tried to put on a smile.

"What's wrong?" She asked

"Nothing…it just seems like you've gotten thinner," I said letting the words slip pass my lips. "a lot thinner."

She stood quiet and did not respond to me. She rolled out of bed and stretched. "I'm going to take a shower." She said softly.

I looked away and kept to myself, she was losing a lot of weight and I could tell because her waist was getting smaller.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

We kept quiet during school, she was excused for her absences and was told to bring her grades up before the middle of February (when our first semester ended), she had two months to do that since it is now December. I knew I needed to get my shit together but it was hard to focus on myself when she seems to be fading away from me.

"Hey man how are you doing?" I heard Renji ask.

"Decent." I answered as I looked over at him.

"Glad to see she's actually back." Renji said as smiled.

"Yeah." I answered.

"Dude." Renji said as he grabbed my wrist in his hand.

"What the fuck?" I snapped as I pushed him away.

"It's a miracle she hasn't found out yet." Renji snapped. "Your father…does he know?"

"No. Since I've been watching over Miki I haven't really been home." I said looking over at Miki having Lunch with Orihime. Even though I was on the second floor of the building I could see she wasn't eating. The hallways were clear and everyone was outside enjoying the nice warm Winter weather.

"This is going on in her house?" Renji asked annoyed.

"Yeah." I replied as I watched her take a bite of a her salad.

"All her razors are gone? The fuck, you brought them to her house!?" Renji snapped as he grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me against the wall. "Are you fucking stupid?!"

"Get the fuck off!" I snapped as I tried to push Renji away.

"You aren't fit to watch over her. You are putting her in fucking danger!" Renji snapped.

"She's my fucking girlfriend-" I snapped but Renji cut me off.

"Yet you are putting her in danger! If you really fucking cared you wouldn't be doing that shit in her house knowing she tried to kill herself! Are you trying to give her another reason to relapse!? Not only are you a danger to her but to yourself! Get your fucking shit together because I'm going to talk to Isshin!" Renji snapped her roughly let me go.

"You can't fucking do that Renji!" I snapped.

"I can't? Really now!? I can report you to the hospital for putting her in danger while she is on suicide watch. I can also put you on suicide watch; which is what I'm going to do. I've kept this secret for years now Ichigo and I've watched you spiral out of control, losing control of your ability to control yourself. It went from once every two months to all the fucking time! Ichigo think about it! In a few months you are gonna be lying in a hospital bed with her crying by your bedside." Renji snapped his grip tighten on my shoulders

He was right, I was hurting her. I didn't think about the future, that she could possibly find my razors, that I could be the reason for her next attempt or worse.

"You can't tell my dad." I pleaded looking at Renji as he let me go.

"No Ichigo! I NEED to tell your dad. This is getting out of hand. Look at your wrist, it isn't even just that one section under your sweatband. Now it is both arms and cuts litter up and down them both. Kasumi would encourage me to tell your dad, she wanted you to be safe and I'm keeping my side of the deal by making sure you are okay." Renji said. "This conversation is over Ichigo."

I watched as Renji walked away; I felt the overwhelming feeling of anxiety coursing through my body. Everything was crumbling before me, I wouldn't be able to be in the same house as her. It was going to happen again…being put on suicide watch. An experience I was hoping it wouldn't happen again. It was Renji who admitted me to the hospital but it wasn't it Karakura the first time, it was in a different town and how word didn't reach my father I would never be able to understand.

I wanted her to see me and realize I was getting better even though I was cutting every night. When we went to bed together she never noticed my cuts, she always cuddled up with me. She was just like Kasumi when we were together, she looked passed the scars and just saw me.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to protect you from all my problems. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to protect Miki from her own problems. I don't want to see her lying in a hospital bed again but now you have to see me on Suicide Watch again…I'm sorry Kasumi._

Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.  
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.  
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.  
Don't go.

- Don't Go - Bring Me The Horizon


	14. XIV: Second & Sebring

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 14: Second & Sebring

I dropped to knees and felt everything slipping away, all the control I once had was gone. I couldn't give up cutting for my girlfriend.

Where are my values, my faith, my heart, and my head? Tears started to swell up in my eyes as I started to remember Kasumi.

_"It'll be okay, we all make mistakes Ichigo." She said as she took my hand._

_ "But, I broke my promise." I said softly avoiding her sky colored eyes. She was the first one I ever made a promise to saying that I'll stop cutting._

_ "It's okay. I'm just glad you are okay, that you had the power to stop yourself." She said with a warm smile as she wrapped up my wrist. "What is important is that you remember why you are here. You aren't alone in your fight. You need to talk to someone, and I'm not going to force you to talk but I want you to know I'm here. Your mother is looking at you and she is smiling and she is proud of you. Proud that you have gotten this far, that you have grown up so much, that you have a GPA of a 3.7 right now, and you gave a lot of people hope. Including myself, so don't get caught up in the sadness, go forward in life and smile because your mother is always going to smile when she looks at you."_

_ This was the first time I had broken down in front of her and we have been dating for a year now, I was always strong in front of her and to break down and cry gave me this release. She raised her left hand and touched my left cheek and made me look at her. _

_ "It'll be okay." She said with a smile, her medium length dark red hair was up in a ponytail but random pieces of hair framed her light tone face, along with her side sweep bangs. "It'll get better."_

My phone rang indicating that I received a text message, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw a text message from my dad: _We need to talk Ichigo_.

I hated those four words, 'we need to talk' they always meant something bad was going to follow. I had to assume that Renji already reached my father's office and told him everything and it has only been 20 minutes maybe more.

"Ichigo?" I heard someone say from behind me. I saw someone slide across the floor and sit in front of me. "What's wrong?" She asked as she placed her hands on mine.

"I'm sorry Miki." Was all I could say.

"Why?" She asked. "Did you beat up someone?" she asked playfully.

"No, I can't stay at your house anymore." I told her honestly.

"Guys is everything okay?" I heard Orihime ask.

"Yeah, don't worry about it go to class." Miki replied sending Orihime away.

"Why not?" She asked.

"Because I can't handle it…I am putting you in danger." I answered swallowing hard, the tears on the verge of spilling out. I was more angry than I was sad; angry that I kept breaking promises, that I would be put in Suicide Watch again. My phone kept ringing every couple of minutes, calls from Renji and my father.

"You aren't putting me in danger Ichigo." She said trying to get me to stop self loathing.

"NO! You don't understand!" I snapped, I watched her grip the rim of her gray skirt, scared from me snapping at her. "I am relapsing while I am in your house. I have lighters, blades, I just can't fucking take it anymore." I snapped punching the floor.

She stood quiet unable to answer. "Renji found out, told my father about 30 minutes ago...about everything. I just can't."

"It's okay." She said softly. "Take care of yourself first. Come on stand up." She said taking my hand.

I stood up along with her; she smiled and wiped away the tears in my eyes. "Go, to your dad. I want you to get better as well, you deserve to feel better. I'll go with you." She said as she grabbed my shaky hand.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

My father was worried to say the least; I entered my father's office by myself ready to take the heat. Renji was already sitting down in the first black lounge chair to the left when I entered the office and I took the matching chair on the right.

"Ichigo, this is serious. Show me your arms." My father said not even giving me a chance to speak or anything.

"Dad…" I trailed off.

"Ichigo you have been lying to me for months now, show me." My father said sternly.

I took off my uniform jacket and threw it on the chair. I unraveled both bandaged arms and showed my father. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I looked away and bit my tongue. Renji ran his fingers through his hair and walked out of the office, closing the door behind him.

"I should have paid more attention to the signs…to you. God, I thought you stopped months ago. I know this is about Masaki…and I want you to tell me why." My dad demanded.

"I could have protected her if I was strong enough. She died so that I could live! I don't feel as if it should have been that way!" I snapped "I thought this girl was going to kill herself by jumping into the rushing river and it was fucking Grand Fisher luring me into a trap and mom ran after me because she knew I was in danger and sacrificed herself for me! I don't belong here; Mom does!" I snapped.

"Stop it Ichigo! She did it because she loves you! You are our only son; she cares for you; for everyone in this family. I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, but I want you to get better and she does as well. I can't watch you put yourself through this anymore; I'm going to put you on Suicide Watch…mostly because as much as I trust you; you are still going to do this behind my back. I want you to know I'm doing this because I care and I want this to stop." My dad said looking over at me. "I am not doing this as punishment but to help you."

"I can stop by myself!" I snapped.

"No Ichigo, you told that to Renji many times before, even to Kasumi and yet it is still happening. I would like to believe you but right now I'm not sure." My father sighed looking at my arms that were at my sides.

"I am your son dad, not your patient!" I snapped. "Believe me!"

"Right now I am looking at it from both sides as a father and a doctor. I want you to get better and the only way to do that is to make sure the self mutilation stops." My dad snapped.

"What about Miki?" I asked changing the subject running my fingers through my long hair.

"She's going to be put in the care of Renji if she accepts, if she doesn't I'm going to admit her to the hospital." My father answered.

"And school?" I asked.

"I'll figure something out, I'll get you dismissed for a week, see how you do in the hospital. If that goes well maybe I'll have you sent home and clean the house like we did for Miki." My father answered.

_I was angry. I couldn't fight back, couldn't tell him to give me one more chance because I had wasted all my chances. Miki was going to be under the protection of Renji and hopefully things get better._

I turned around and grabbed the door knob. "I'm doing this for you Ichigo." He said softly. I opened the door and slammed it behind me. _I gave in…it was my only option_.

I hope, I hope you smile,  
When you look down on me.  
I hope you smile.

I hope that I make you proud.

This is not what it is, only baby scars.  
I need your love like a boy needs his mother's side.

- Second & Sebring by Of Mice & Men

* * *

Author's Note: Review please, hope you enjoyed.


	15. XV: This dream that we can fly

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 15: This dream that we can fly

It's been a month since Ichigo was admitted to the hospital; he was angry and pissed that his father admitted him to the hospital. He tried so hard to convince him he was okay, that he could handle himself, however once his dad saw his arms it was already a done deal, his father had already made up his mind. I tried to comfort him but he always brushed me off.

It was the end of the semester and finals week started today, Ichigo was released last week and I was still on Suicide Watch for another week.

"Are you going to flip it up?" Renji asked referring to my septum piercing.

"No! I like it." I whined.

"Isn't it against school rules to have facial piercings?" Renji said looking at me trying to screw the replacement purple balls that I bought.

"I don't know. But I don't wanna flip it up!" I whined.

"Fine, it is up to you." He said as he grabbed my waist and made a funny face in the mirror with me.

"How are you and Rukia?" I asked taking a deep breath.

"Rocky." He stated. "She's just going through a lot."

"And she doesn't want help?" I asked looking up at him he covered his small gauges.

"I want to help but she doesn't accept it." Renji said with a long sigh.

"You still need to try." I said turning around to look at him.

"I am…I'm focusing on you and her." Renji said softly.

"Me?" I echoed.

"Yeah, I care about you. It was scary as fuck to have you in the hospital. Granted we haven't had a heart to heart and I am not forcing you but I just want you to do better." Renji said as he softly touched my cheek. "I know things are still haunting you and I want to make everything better."

"Renji…" I said backing away a bit, feeling my heart race. "We need to go."

Renji sighed. "I'll be right behind you."

_What the fuck was that? No…he has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. _

I opened the door and saw Ichigo leaning on the wooden bench we had in front of my house. I ran up to him and hugged him tightly.

"Good morning to you too." He said softly as he wrapped his hands around me.

"I didn't know you were coming." I said softly resting my head on his chest.

"I didn't know you got your nose pierced twice." He said.

I looked up at him and smiled softly, he played with the circular barbell I had in my nose. I blushed and looked away. "You look like a cute little bull." He said.

"Shut up." I giggled.

"How is everything?" He asked

"Good, only one more week." I cheered.

"I'm proud of you." He said as he kissed my forehead.

"And you?" I asked taking his hands.

"Good, I got the stitches out last week and now everything is healing." He said as he pulled up his uniform jacket and showed me both arms revealing to me his scars.

"I'm happy you gave in." I said softly.

Ichigo showed me a weak smile and looked over at Renji who was waiting by the door.

"Hey man, how are you doing?" Renji asked.

"Better, Rukia is waiting for you at the corner. She said it is serious." Ichigo told him.

Renji nodded and left us both in front of my house.

"Finals today." I groaned.

"I know, when do you get out?" he asked as he took my right hand in his left and started to pull me in the direction of school.

"Around 11am" I said thinking about it before giggling.

"Me too, Physics right?" he asked looking at me.

"Yup." I answered with a smile.

He smiled and held my waist. "You've gotten a lot thinner." Ichigo said softly with a hint of concern in his voice.

"Yeah." I said softly.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said softly my eyes dropping down to the ground.

I had dropped another size, down to a size 8. I was losing weight quickly and I like losing weight and looking fit. I needed to stop and I plan to, I just need to find the right time to just stop.

"You'd tell me if anything was wrong right?" He asked pulling me closer to him.

I did not reply and just kept walking with Ichigo at my side. Ichigo gripped my hand tightly and let out a sigh.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I was so done with classes, my head was hurting and I just wanted to go home and lay in bed, but Ichigo wanted me to hang out at his house we walked to his house in silence but that stopped when we got into his room. He voiced his concerns and event tried to get me to see what was wrong, but I saw what I only wanted to see…a thinner me.

Ichigo sat down on the bed frustrated and just looked at me, I loved his brown eyes but all I saw was concerned and it hit me hard.

"Stop." I said softly as I climbed on top of him and sat on his lap.

"You just don't listen. You're hard headed." He said softly.

"And so are you, yet here we are doing so much better." I said softly kissing him on the lips. He kissed back and smiled softly; he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. I took off my sweater and kissed him once again as I started to take off his shirt. Ichigo laid down and smiled. He kissed my cheek and took off my shirt, he kissed my chest and started to suck on my neck.

"Ichigo." I moaned as I wrapped my arms around him.

He pulled my body closer to his and unhooked my bra, I pulled it off and put it on his floor. He massaged my breast softly and he earned a moan from me. I bit my lip and started to grind against him, I could feel his erection through his uniform pants. Ichigo moved on from sucking my neck to sucking my right breast, I moaned loudly. I started to unbutton his uniform pants and he took control and pinned me to the bed.

I giggled and started to play fight with him, his pants lying at the foot of the bed. He smiled and kissed my lips. I started to fight with him and see if I could get out of his grip but he caught on quickly and fought back.

I was sure this time, this was what I wanted.

So I've been having this dream that we can fly,

So maybe if we never wake up, we can see the sky.

Bulls in the Bronx – Pierce The Veil

59 Page


	16. XVI: Have you thought about it?

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 16: Have you thought about it?

A clear night, a perfect night to just set up camp on the roof of the house to just relax.

"Wait what am I bringing up?" Ichigo asked as he stood in the doorway of my bedroom.

"The inflatable mattress that I had running for the past 15 minutes and the black quilt that is sitting by its side." I told him as I bought the pillows from my room to the roof.

As I went downstairs I ran into Ichigo bringing up the mattress. I walked pass him and went to my room and into my dresser drawer where I had some weed in a dime bag and bought the purple bowl pipe up along with my lighter.

I closed the roof door behind me and sat down with Ichigo on the bed.

"You smoke?" I heard him ask.

"Yeah." I answered as I put the weed in the bowl and lit the bowl. I inhaled and held it in as I passed it to Ichigo.

I blew it out up into the night sky and laid down on my stomach and looked over at Ichigo who set the bowl down after inhaling.

"Has it ever dawned on you what you are gonna do after high school?" I asked

"I figured I'd go to university. You?" he asked as he exhaled into a cloud of smoke.

"I'm not sure." I shrugged. "I don't know if I am ready."

"Only time will tell. But I thought you wanted to be an Art Student." He said softly.

"I mean yeah, but I don't know." I said softly as I took another inhale from the bowl

"You just need to have some faith in yourself. You'll be fine." He said softly as he kissed my cheek.

I felt Ichigo run his hands up and down on the outer part of my thighs, I felt him going higher and higher closer to my scars.

We just had sex the other night and it was amazing, I felt comfortable in my own skin and his kisses trailed up and down my body. The hickeys on my neck and chest were still there but they made me smile. His touch was soft and gentle expect for when he bought me closer and held me tightly so tight that his hand marks were still on my waist when we were done. I had kept the pace up and had left my marks on his neck. I had pulled his hair and scratched up his back.

"Why are you so tense?" He asked as he looked, his eyes trailed from my eyes to my thighs were his hands moved my navy blue circle dress up to see the open cut on my leg. "You didn't…"

"It's not what you think, I got hurt." I said softly

"How? We were together last night and they weren't there last night." Ichigo said as he sat up and looked at me. The moonlight shine in his eyes showed concerned, I looked away.

"I didn't! I swear." I pleaded.

"Then tell me what happened. I want the truth." Ichigo demanded.

I didn't cut, I swear. I had fallen and scratched up my leg, but he wouldn't believe me. He wouldn't believe me that I had gotten into a minor fight. I didn't want to say anything.

"I swear Ichigo. I just fell and-" I fell silent when his hands went up my leg again and looked at the cuts once again. I covered my face and just stood quiet.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_"You lying whore. You put him in jail. You just couldn't resist him, so you had to make up a lie about him raping you. You're disgusting." Hana told me as she went to slap me across the face, I grabbed her hand and threw it to the side._

_"FUCK YOU! I don't give a fuck if you believe me but your demented, twisted, fucking asshole boyfriend raped me, abused me, held me captive every time I was dropped off by my mom." I snapped as I slapped her across the face._

_She fell to the floor in tears that I slapped her so hard. I felt the rage just flowing from my body, I was so pissed that all she saw was that her boyfriend was innocent. She didn't see the fact he tried to rape me, she didn't see the reality._

_"You have a fucking twisted fucking mind! You are a twisted fuck and you need to realize he made me want to kill myself!" I yelled._

_She had gotten up ready to fight but I didn't want to fight her and get in trouble. I backed away and eventually started to run out of the house. As I ran I eventually realize she was not following, as I slowed down I tripped over something and scratched up my whole thigh._

_It was nothing major, but it had opened a wound that was started to heal, both literally and figuratively._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"It could have been a lot worse." I said softly unaware of that I was actually saying this and not thinking it. "Hell…I've wanted to down a bottle of pills for awhile. But I've been thinking about a lot of things and figured maybe I'd give life another try."

"Why haven't you spoke to someone about this?" I heard Ichigo ask.

I snapped back into reality and looked at him; I grabbed the bowl and lit the fire. I took a deep breath and held it. I didn't mean to open my mouth but I was tired of feeling as if Ichigo constantly watched over me.

I exhaled and just looked at him. "Because it's been on and off, I don't think I'm gonna act on it."

"Miki, I'm gonna let this go. But I want you to know we are here for you." Ichigo kissed my cheek softly.

I nodded and just laid in the bed with Ichigo staring up at the stars.

_And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think this is easy. _– Konstantine by Something Corporate


	17. XVII: The Darkness Returns

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 17: The Darkness Returns

Our vacation was coming to a close and the second semester was going to start up in a matter of days. Ichigo and I have been rocky the past few days because he still doesn't trust me when it comes to harming myself. I will not plead my case so I am going to leave it the way it is.

On the bright side their was a new neighbor who just moved in next door, my sister had already introduced herself to the young man.

"Miki come outside! He is really cute." Mio said with a bright smile.

She was wearing her hair up and my jeans that I was going to throw out because they were big. She wore them with pride because they fit, I was happy for her.

"I'll be right out, just let me get dressed." I replied as I pushed her out of my room, closing the door behind her.

I took out the size 8 jeans and tore the tag off, I pulled them up and button them. I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror, they fit perfect, tight like skinny jeans should be. I pulled on my Of Mice & Men band shirt with the words "this is faithfulness at its finest" written on the back. I put on my black Doc Martens and my black jacket that had fleece lining keeping me warm from the 30 degree weather.

I left my house and walked over to my sister and this guy with brown hair, black rimmed glasses, and his hair pushed back. His skin was pale and he wore a black jacket with dark blue jeans and black boots.

"Oh Miki this is Aizen Sosuke." She said with a smile as she introduced me to him.

"Nice to meet you Miki, your sister has told me so much about you." He said with a polite smile, he reached out and asked for my hand, he kissed my right hand softly. I giggled.

"Nice to meet you too, so are you a university student?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm a freshman at Karakura University, but I'm also a teacher assistant at Karakura High." He answered.

"Oh, really for what class?" I asked folding my arms across my chest.

"I'm a Psychology student so I am told I will be helping a lot in the counselors office and I am also double majoring with Chemistry, so I'll be helping in some classes." He replied.

"Oh that's great." I said with a smile.

"Yup, hopefully you'll be my teacher assistant." Mio said with a long sigh.

"Maybe, If not you can always stop by my office." He replied. "Well I need to get the rest of this stuff inside. You ladies have a good evening." Aizen said as he picked up a box and bought it inside.

Mio and I walked back into the house, she was wearing such a big smile. She was giggly.

"He is too old for you." I said with a sigh.

"He's 19. It's not that bad!" She pleaded.

I laughed and didn't reply, I am just gonna let her live in her own world.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A week into the new semester and I could feel the stress piling on, I was wanted in the college office all the time, and I never got stuff done. My attendance started to slip but my grades were improving, it was confusing but I knew everything already and I had all my credits and could graduate early but my grades needed improvement.

Orihime voiced her concern, she told me she was worried, that I should attend class more often, and hang out just to get my mind off of things, but I would always brush it off.

I stood in the hallway and went through my locker to grab my English textbook for my next class.

"Miki Sato?" I heard a male voice come from behind.

"Yes." I said as I turned around to see Aizen wearing a black button up shirt and black slacks with dress shoes. "Oh hey, nice to see you again. Do you need something?" I asked as I closed and locked my locker.

"Could you come to the office with me?" he said as he looked at his notebook.

"What for? I have class." I asked confused as to what is going on.

"You have been excused from English. It is just to talk, you are not in trouble." He said.

I let out a long sigh, the hallways were cleared out and I had no other choice but to follow him.

"Lead the way." I said with a voice of defeat.

"Thank you." He lead me to the counseling offices on the fourth floor of the school. The fourth floor was usually dedicated to clubs and after school programs. The music room was also on this floor and the third computer lab.

We entered his office which consisted of a wooden desk with his Apple Laptop open in front of paper work.

"Huh, they put you straight to work." I laughed.

"Yeah, take a seat." He gestured to the circular table in the middle of the room.

"Can you tell me what this is about?" I was curious and he was telling me nothing, I sat at the table and he sat across from me.

My heart started racing and I did not like this setup.

"There has been a lot of concern about you going around school. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" He asked.

"What are you talking about?" I laughed.

"Your sister and Orihime Inoue have dropped by to voice their concerns, and some teachers as well." Aizen said softly.

"Look it's nothing. I'm fine." I said as I got up.

"Miki, I didn't want to bring this up but I've seen your wrist. You aren't okay." He said softly as he placed his hand on mine.

"It's just scars." I said my heart racing.

"It's obviously not just scars, I can see you are avoiding the ones who care the most for you." Aizen got up and flipped over my arms to see the scars littering up my arms.

"Stop!" I snapped pulling my hands out of his grip.

"Obviously there is something going on." He said softly as he analyzed the look in my eyes. "Were you abused?"

"What!?" I said in shock.

"The bags under your eyes show lack of sleep so you could be suffering from night terrors, avoiding people you care about is a sure sign of PTSD." Aizen said as he studied me.

My heart was racing, my eyes swelling with tears, I swallowed hard and tried to relax.

"I'm sorry." He said softly as he pulled me into a tight hug. Something kept me close to him, something about him was familiar.

He pinned me up against the white wall, his grip strong but it did not hurt. I could not break out of his grip even if I wanted.

"Let me go!" I struggled

"Time heals all wounds." He softly said into my ear.

"Stop!" I yelled as he kissed my neck.

There was silence, he let go of wrist and looked at me. I wanted to slap him across the face, but the memories started to flood back. I quickly rushed out of the room and up to the roof of the school were I found Renji.

"What's wrong?" Renji said as I crash ran into his arms.

"Aizen…he tried…" I couldn't get the words out.

I felt Renji's arm wrap around me tightly. "Shh, I know. We'll take care of it."

The tears were streaming down my face, the memories were tough and nothing was gonna take them away. Renji tried to get me to relax but it didn't work, he held my hand and just let me grip it tightly whenever I felt the pain just overwhelming me.

"You cannot tell Ichigo." I sobbed.

"I won't. I promise." He said softly.

_Why am I the one who just keeps on running?_

_Why am I surrounded by shadows of my doubt?_

_I search for some sort of solace _

_But I am a man with no light to guide me out._

_Menace by Crown The Empire. _


	18. XVIII: It's Over For Now

Author's Note: Rape Scene up ahead. Triggering.

* * *

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 18: It's Over For Now

The memories kept flooding, back and I was home alone again. How they trusted me to be left home alone was beyond me. The thoughts kept running through my head, I wanted to cut…and the feeling of wanting the razor was getting stronger.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_14 years old and my mother did not want to leave me alone in a house all by my lonesome and she left me with my cousin. I did not have the nerve to tell her what happened between us many times, that he has been this monster to me for the past 7 years of my life. _

_ She kissed us goodbye and went to her car were the engine started and then she was gone. Mio immediately went to the house next door were her best friend lived, I wanted to plead and tell her not to go, but I did not want her to get hurt._

_ "Miki, my beauty." He said softly caressing my cheek. A shiver was sent up my spine._

_ "Stop." I croaked. _

_ He gripped my jaw tightly and kissed me on the lips, I wanted to spit in his face and fight him, but the last time I did that he slapped me so hard blood filled my mouth and tears streamed down my face. I knew better than to disobey him._

_ His hands reached for my shorts and I started to squirm, but the tightness around my jaw got tighter. My shorts were on the floor and my shirt was lying right next to them, he wasn't going to waste time and I could tell. Tears started running down my cheeks, the shades were closed and I could not scream. He bought me to his room and put me on his bed, his pants were already off and through his boxers I could see his erection peeking through. He quickly got on top and savagely ripped my panties off of my body. I cried and he quickly covered my mouth. Without warning he entered me, thrusting into me like some monster. He wasn't human._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I cried into my knees as the memories ripped through my mind. I wanted them to stop, I wanted them to go away so badly.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I walked her home and I couldn't help but feel horrible, I wanted to tell Ichigo but I promised her I wouldn't. She's worked too hard to end her life right now.

"Hey Renji, have you seen Miki?" Ichigo asked.

"No, I haven't." I lied.

"Hm, the last time I saw her was before English and she skipped that. Orihime said something about her going to a new counselor." Ichigo said looking at me obviously trying to study me.

"I don't know." I said feeling the pressure piling up, I started to walk away.

"Renji, don't lie to me." I heard Ichigo say.

"I'm not." I lied.

"Renji…don't fuck with me." Ichigo snapped. "If you know something tell me!"

I fell silent and kept walking, I heard him charge toward me and pin me against the wall; grabbing a fist full of my white uniform button down shirt.

"Don't fucking lie to me." Ichigo snapped.

"If you are so fucking worried about her, then go check with that counselor." I snapped getting annoyed. "Don't you fucking trust her?"

"NO! I don't because a couple of nights ago she told me she wanted to swallow a bottle of pills and have everything be done with." Ichigo snapped as he roughly let go of me.

_She wouldn't…would she?_

I quickly dialed Miki's number and it went to voicemail. I called her again, and again, with not reply. FUCK!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I ran up to the fourth floor and into Aizen's office, he sat at his desk and looked at me.

"Can I help you Mr. Kurosaki?" he asked.

"What did you do to Miki?" I snapped

"What are you talking about?" he asked confused.

"Fuck you! Don't play fucking coy. I know she came to see you, you fucking bastard." I snapped.

"Ichigo calm down, I just helped her open old wounds." He said his voice filled with sarcasm.

It dawned on me and I felt my body get hot with anger. "You fucking asshole." I yelled as I punched him in the face.

"You should have made sure the first time it happened that he was dead and not just in jail." He said to me.

"He is still in jail." I snapped.

"Are you sure of that? Because I just paid his bail." Aizen said with a smug smile.

My blood started to boil, instead of punching him in the face I turned away and ran straight out of the building and made my way to Miki's house.

I dialed her number about 10 times but did not get any type of reply. _I am not going to lose her like I lost Kasumi. Not again_.

I made it to the front of her house I opened the front door with the key she gave me before I was on suicide watch. I closed the door behind me and listened closely, I heard water running from upstairs. I climbed the stairs and went to the right, were the running water became louder and sobs started to form. I saw a light peaking from underneath the door.

"Miki, it's me Ichigo." I said knocking on the door. "Babe, please open the door."

There was no reply, my heart dropped and I tried to turn the knob but it was locked. I took a few steps back and kicked open the door. It swung back and Miki was on the floor, I rushed to her side.

"Miki." I said softly, as I picked her up off of the white tiled floor.

She was bleeding from somewhere, I checked both of her arms, and found a small cut on her wrist. Nothing fatal. The next thing I saw were these big green eyes looking up at me.

"Ichigo." She said softly.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, I am fine. I relapsed but nothing major." She replied softly.

"It's okay. What happened?" I asked her softly. "I just want you to tell me."

Miki's hands were shaking and she could not keep eye contact with me.

"It's okay, look. I need you to stay at my house for a few days. Something has come up." I told her honestly.

"What do you mean? Why? I didn't mean to." She said her voice shaking.

"No! It's not you babe. I just want you to be safe." I said as I heard something break downstairs. "Fuck. Stay in the closet. I'll come to get you when it is safe. Call Renji and the police."

She opened her mouth to say something but she closed her mouth instead and went into her closet locking the door behind her.

I left her room and went looked over the balcony and saw a figure walk underneath. I jumped over the railing and behind the figure.

"Why are you here?" I asked as I quickly took his hands that held a army knife.

"Aw, the boyfriend is still with her despite the fact that she is damaged goods." He said sarcastically.

"Fuck you. I don't give a fuck if Aizen posted your bail. I'm gonna send you right back to jail." I said kicking him in the back of the legs which made him fall to his knees.

He kept running his mouth and each word that came out made me pissed beyond the point of return. I gripped the knife tightly, I one swift move and I could kill him. I could feel the heat coming up, ready to take over.

"Do it, I can feel you want to." He said. "I don't blame you. I'd rather you'd do it."

"You twisted fuck, you belong in jail. You do not deserve the kindness of a swift death." I snapped.

"I'll be out in a few years, if you really loved her you'd succumb to your anger and hate." He said persuading me.

"Ichigo, what are you gonna do?" I heard Renji ask.

"I don't fucking know. I want to kill him, yet I don't want to give this asshole the death he wants." I said looking over at Renji.

"I'm gonna die anyway, I'm sick." He said with a laugh. "Might as well just give in."

My mind was racing but I went with my gut, I wasn't going to kill him.

"If you really want to die, you can do it. I'm not going to do it because I want you to feel the same pain Miki feels when she remembers you taking advantage of her. She cuts herself, deeper and deeper. Now it's your turn." I tied up his legs and left his army knife by his side.

I stood on the stairs were I could see if he left, a few minutes later his spirit pressure was gone. I looked over the balcony and saw him lying there.

"Aizen, he's watching her." I said looking at Renji.

"I know." Renji replied.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I snapped.

"She made me promise." Renji replied.

I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a long sigh. "He has access to Rukia, Orihime, and Miki while he is here in the living world."

"I know, he is planning something and we aren't gonna let it happen." Renji said looking up to the top of the stairs.

"He's gone…right?" I heard Miki ask.

"Yeah." I answered.

I heard her say. "It is over."

_For now…lets just hope it stays that way. _

And every part of me keeps screaming,  
"Get on with your life, and start by leaving."  
I'm trying to heal these wounds but I'm still bleeding

Limitless – Crown the Empire


	19. XIX: In all Honesty

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 19: In all Honesty

Though Miki had become a little distant, she told me she needed time and that she would be okay. I gave her space and time for a month and she eventually stopped attending classes. It got to the point where the teachers thought she was in the hospital again. I had constantly been asked if she was okay and even though I answered 'yes' truth was I didn't actually know.

Lunch time, I took the opportunity to call Miki and see how she was doing. After waiting for a few seconds she picked up the phone.

"Hello?" She said into the phone.

"Hey babe, how are you?" I asked trying to keep casual.

"I'm alright. Just…" she trailed off and sighed. "I'm alright."

"Babe..." I sighed. "We need you back at school."

"Why? I'm doing work." She replied her voice almost annoyed.

"Because you are missing a lot of school." I replied.

"I need to go somewhere." She replied ignoring my statement.

"Where?" I asked curious.

"Don't worry about it." She said "I got to go."

She hung up and I let out a long sigh. I didn't want to question her because she has gotten significantly better and I didn't want to mess that up. I was still cutting but not as much as I use to, I had kept it from my father and from Miki.

"Ichigo did you find anything out about Miki?" I heard Uryu ask from behind.

"No, she has been keeping quiet." I sighed. "Have the teachers started asking you?"

"Yes, our Computer Engineering teacher has asked about her. In fact despite the fact that she was absent he spoke very highly of her. He said, even though she is absent a lot she always turns in high quality work." Uryu replied

"Damn, I hope she is okay." I said trying keep my composure.

"That is understandable. But after her relapse I am sure she is getting help." He said "Just like you did, right?"

I bit down on my tongue and nodded.

"Right Ichigo?" He asked again. "You haven't relapsed since you left the hospital?"

"No, I haven't." I lied.

Uryu sighed. "She'll come back when she is ready."

"I want her to graduate on time." I said with a long sigh.

"She will." He replied. "I'm going to class."

I nodded and watched him leave. I let out a heavy sigh and just let it go.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Hey Mr. Kurosaki." I said with a smile as I walked into his office.

"Hi Miki, how are you doing?" He asked with a smile.

"Could be better." I shrugged.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"The urges, the pain, I still feel it all." I said softly, holding my right wrist tightly with my left hand.

"The urges to cut and let the pain drift?" he asked softly.

"Yeah. Last night was hell. Everything echoed in my head. I just sat in bed and thought about everything. I wanted to cut. I slowly started to feel like I deserved everything, the pain he bought upon me, and the cutting. I know that sounds dark, but last night and for the last few nights I've been visiting the bridge and…" I drifted off.

"Jumping?" he asked looking at me.

"Yeah. I mean, I don't do it obviously. But sometimes I just think about it, sometimes it just feels like the only thing to do to get rid of all the pain." I felt tears start swelling in my eyes, I looked at the ceiling and bit my bottom lip. "And, Ichigo…He is just so worried. Constantly calling me, telling me good night, good morning, telling me he cares for me, telling me he wants me to get better. Why the fuck do I feel like I'm letting him down. He is doing all this stuff for me and I'm over here just sitting in the fucking past." I cried.

"Miki, sexual abuse and rape both leave mental wounds. Wounds that take a long time to heal, wounds that cannot be healed in a few days, weeks, even months. Ichigo understands that and is trying to his best to show you he is supporting you. You aren't letting him down in fact he knows you are doing better. We both want you to feel comfortable talking about it because talking about it helps distribute the weight therefore making it easier for you to breathe and slowly but surely get over the rape." He said, his words powerful.

"But I'm taking steps back." I cried.

"No. No you are not. You are moving forward in trying to get better. I can see that and so can Ichigo. I may not be your dad but I am proud of you for not giving up on life. I am proud that you are getting stronger even though you feel like you aren't." He said his voice carrying so much weight, making me feel like he was better than the father who left my side. He was the father I always wished for, the father I prayed for when things got worse in my family, the father I wish protected me from that asshole.

I covered my face and started to cry even harder.

"Why are you crying?" He said with a joking voice, trying to me the situation brighter.

"Because I wish I grew up with a father like you." I said as I let out a deep breath.

"I may not be your father, but I am here for you if you ever need me. And if you and Ichigo ever get married, I'll be your father-in-law." He said with a smile.

I smiled and nodded as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Friday's session, I want Ichigo to be present. So this means you need to go back to school because they have been calling here and it means you need to talk to him. This gives you 4 days to get everything together." He said with a smile.

I nodded and got up from the soft chair.

"Remember you are strong." His smile was contagious and it made me smile like I meant it.

Screaming silently inside  
Past horrors plaguing their minds  
Hearts scarred and bandaged  
Souls weathered and damaged

This is our release  
This is our violent plea

- This Room is Alive by Being as an Ocean


	20. XX: Skin Deep

Don't Forget the Sun

Chapter 20: Skin Deep

Even though I did not want to go back to school I had to force myself because I knew if I didn't Mr. Kurosaki would call me up and give me a long speech about the importance of me going back, how it is important to hang out more.

Attending classes were fine, my teachers understood and were glad that I was back. I didn't get into too much trouble because I did inform them via email that I wasn't going to be attending classes because of 'health issues.' Many teacher emailed me homework assignments but I did have to set up a date and time to make up exams and quizzes.

During my lunch break I took this time to meet up with Ichigo to clear the air, I left him a note in his locker to meet me on the roof of the school that way we could talk in private.

I arrived early and started to plan out things I was going to say. I was nervous, I did not want to admit I was going to his dad for help. I also did not want to admit to him I was feeling suicidal again. I didn't want to worry him again, I'm tired of having him worry and feel like he always needs to be at my side. The same with Renji because he has helped me carry the burden for awhile, not only that but he has helped me more.

_Ugh, what do I say? I mean he can't really get upset can he? I mean I'm his girlfriend and he has suffered from suicidal thoughts as well, unless his cutting was just a way for him to cope and not a way to escape. Fuck. I do not want him to believe I'm crazy, I tried to commit suicide before and he wasn't so pleased with that. What do I say 'Oh right Ichigo, I'm suicidal and I contemplated jumping off of a bridge; okay bye.' Fuck, this is pathetic. I can't even face my own boyfriend and tell him what is wrong. I'm just fucking with his mind by keeping myself locked in my house, keeping him in the dark, going behind his back. What kind of girlfriend am I? I'm all sorts of fucked up and I'm trying to get over it yet I'm tripping and falling back -_

I heard the door open and shut, I quickly turned around from the fence the school had around the rooftop of the school. I took a deep breath and looked at Ichigo who's brown eyes said it all: Concerned, worried, curious, but not a hint of happiness in his gaze.

"Ichigo I-" I started before my mind went blank.

_Fuck._

"Miki, I'm sorry." Ichigo said softly as he came closer.

"No." I said loudly almost as audibly loud as a shout. "Please, wait. Let me explain. I-I-I want to tell you I'm sorry for countless things. I'm sorry for dragging you so far down this road with me. I know you didn't think you'd end up with a girl who was...who was…who was raped and sexually abused. I know you probably wanted something closer to home. I know you can find something closer to home, someone who isn't going to drag you to hell and probably keep you there. Recently I've been all sorts of fucked up, thinking about suicide, thinking about how the rape was my fault and that I deserved it."

I inhaled and felt it become harder to breath as if I was going to start crying. Ichigo grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me.

"I've been trying to get better, get better to the point where I can be normal. Normal enough to stay with you, without feeling like I'm dragging you to the depths of hell with me. I've tried not to relapse and I've been good about that, but the nightmares have just become overwhelming. When they became overwhelming, I would take a walk at night with the hopes of clearing my head. But I always found myself at the bridge…and these thoughts Ichigo they would enter my mind and just go around like clockwork. It scared me. I didn't want to call you and freak you out." The tears started to rush down my cheeks and his grip tighten around me. "So I started to see your dad for help. At first I was scared because I did't want you to find out. I know after you killed _him_, things were different between us. We drifted apart. I became distant and didn't want to be with anyone. Seeing your dad has made me realize you care, you just have a funny way of showing it. I'm sorry I just dumped this all on you, you can break up with me now." I apologized pulling away quickly. His grip tighten as if he didn't want to let go.

"Break up with you? Where did you get that crazy idea?" he asked almost letting out a chuckle.

"I just thought at this point you'd be fed up with me. This has been a hell of a roller coaster and I thought you'd want to get off by now." I said looking up at him trying to break free.

"No, I'm in this for the long run. I won't lie things have been crazy but you do not deserve anything that has happened. You didn't deserve the rape, the abuse, the harm you are causing yourself. I know things are crazy but it will get better. The road to recovery is hard and I know that. After that night things were a bit rocky, I was thinking about Kasumi and how things are between us. Hell I know she'd love you, but she wouldn't approve of the way I was treating you. I lied about being clean, I relapsed every couple of weeks but I am getting better. Things have been rough but I don't want to fuck things up with you." He said explaining his actions and thoughts. "I just want you to be happy, that is why I always put you ahead of myself, because I know you can be happy."

I smiled and looked up at him, he was smiling and I can tell it was serious genuine smile. I let out a sigh and looked up at him.

"I want you to be happy, and you relapsing makes me scared. I hate to bring this up-" Ichigo cut me off and shook his head.

"No, my dad doesn't know. I'll stop. I promise." His gaze showed concerned, I knew he feared his father's reactions. He feared being back on suicide watch and honestly I shared those same fears.

"Okay, I have a favor to ask of you. Would you mind coming with me to see your dad on Friday. Just to talk, about me and stuff and things." I looked up at him with the puppy eyes.

Ichigo nodded. "Course I'll go. Will you?" He asked looking at me, knowing my tendency to bail out last minute on things that make me nervous.

"I'll try." I smiled.

Ichigo kissed me on the lips and then he moved to my neck, kisses turned into nips, nips turned into bites, and bites turned into him sucking on my neck. I moaned and ran my fingers through his long hair, I tilted my head back and I could feel his lips curl into a smile. I could almost crumble underneath him, if he wasn't holding me I would have fallen by now.

"Ichigo." I moaned loudly "Stop."

Ichigo pulled away and smiled.

"I've missed you, but there is no reason to have sex on the top of the school." I glared.

Ichigo's face turned red, I poked his red cheeks and smiled. "You're cute."

Ichigo turned away. "I'll see you later." He said as he kissed me on the forehead and left.

I closed my eyes and smiled, but that smile turned into a fear when I heard Aizen's voice.

_Unprotected, and scared. What will you ever do? You cut to feel alive, to feel like you are still worth it. You do it because he took your innocence like a savage. You always feel dirty because you know you didn't stop him. Hospital time after time, and suicide on your mind almost all the time. And even after being on Suicide Watch for almost two months you visit the Bridge with the thoughts of jumping off. Is your life really that worthless? Will you go home to just pick up the razor and drag it down your wrist, because you know that is the hardest place to stitch you up? You fear the label 'crazy' and 'suicidal' and now you know that your razor is your best friend that you keep going back to, what a disappointment. _

Tears swelled up in my eyes, I look at my wrist and felt the urge to cut. I ran my fingers across the darken skin that were my scars. I wanted the razor, I feel like I need it.

Don't freak out  
just take a breath and close your eyes  
as the ecstasy of failure  
hits the skin like sharpened knifes  
why is this happening again  
you know how this is gonna end  
claustrophobia creeps down your spine  
and if they knew  
just  
what  
the  
hell  
they put you through

Skin Deep by Joel Faviere


End file.
